You read that right. Well technically, I'm going to take Zumba Instructor Training. After that, I would need to find a Zumba job hypothetically. And now I'm scared. Holy crap.
Negative things that go through my head:
I'm going to be the biggest person there
What if I can't memorize the choreography
What if I suck at teaching
What if I freeze in the middle of teaching
What if people hate my class
Positive things that go through my head:
I know I will be able to keep up with the Instruction classes.
I could be an inspiration for people who are nervous about fitness
Dancing is my cardio life, and it's the one area of working out that I excel at.
Getting paid to workout would be fun (although honestly, it looks like about a break even if I taught one class a week)
I've already got the CPR training
I'm really good at making an arse out of myself, and getting other people to do it with me
It would be awesome to say "I'm a Nurse, and a Zumba instructor." I just think that sounds like a kick ass combo.
When I have something big to decide, I usually make snap decisions based on my instinct, gut feeling, tenacity and determination. And I usually don't look back.
It dawned on me Tuesday. Hmm I wonder if I could teach Zumba. So I just googled, and hey, what do you know, a training will be here on 9/27/13 and it's affordable. I decided right then that I was going to do it.
Sure I asked the opinion of everyone I could, my trainer, my husband (although I did pre-coach him on what his opinion should be), friends, and I went to zumba classes Wed and Thur evening, and asked my favorite instructor Thurs Eve and they all said "YES YES YES!" so it's good to have some positive encouragement from others. Anyway, I'm doing this.
Why Zumba and not something else?
I thought this might be a question some would ask. Although I'm super passionate about taking the Caveman classes, and my personal training, lifting, overall fitness and all that business, it's not a natural ability for me. I'm not saying I couldn't teach that stuff eventually if I wanted, but it's a much higher skill level. I am still a Nurse, that's my career and where my passion lies. Personal training and Instruction the level of Caveman are career moves, not something you do just for fun. It takes months/years of training to perfect coordinating a group of people all doing different activities, and watching out so they don't injure themselves.
With Zumba, it's not quite the same level of skill needed to even get started, because it's dancing based on simple steps, at your level. You can get very involved, and learn lots of different types of zumba over time, and take tons of training, but I'm happy to get started with the Basic Zumba training.
I'm totally going to look like this
I'm super excited, nervous, scared and determined. For the next couple months of my fitness journey, I think I will be very focused on the Zumba life. Still doing my training of course, because a strong Zumba instructor is important, but I will be Zumbified I'm going to take as many classes as I can fit in, and learn as many dances as I can to feel prepared as I can be. Here we go...
The Muckfest. I just decided to do this less than a month ago, though I had been thinking about it for a few months. 5 miles. A dozen obstacles. I can do this. I need to do this for several reasons.
1. Multiple Sclerosis - It's awful. But there is so much research going on right now in genetics, stem cells, and I do believe a cure, or at least a better way to delay the progress of the disease is on the way. I am fortunate enough to only have one person in my life who is currently battling MS, but she's a mom with young children, and if I can get together with people and help make a difference by raising a few hundred dollars, that's what I am going to do. Her daughters deserve the healthiest mother they can have. She exercises, she does what she should to help keep the MS at bay, and not only that, she supports me in my journey. So I want to do what I can to support her.
2. My Journey. When I started this journey, I had in mind that some day I wanted to do one of these nifty mud runs. I was thinking the warrior dash, a 3 mile with obstacle courses, but I didn't know if there was any way I would be ready for that this year. That's a month out from now. I'm ready for it, because I worked hard, and even through a tough month, I persevered. I did this run which was longer. I have an end goal. I'm going to achieve my end goal. So I decided to challenge myself with this 5 mile obstacle course.
Piece of cake, right?
HAHAHAHAHA
This is just the tail end of that Ski Slope
The fine print should have been 5 miles "uphill both ways" and way more than a dozen obstacles. The run was at Trollhaugen, a ski hill in the middle of B.F.E Wisconsin.
When I say uphill both ways, obviously that's not possible, but there were a lot of uphills. I mean a lot. I would say 80% of the race was up and down steep hills, some long, some short, almost all with mud, rocks, and logs ready to trip you up.
The two hardest hills:
1. Going up an extremely steep, extremely long ski slope, which was one of the first hills of the race
2. The very last hill, which was completely covered in thick mud. It was so hard to get a grip, you had to use all of your lower body strength just to propel yourself up, and I almost had to crawl up the last bit. Crawling in mud is fun! At one point I kept sliding, it was a bit like running on the treadmill from hell.
Our team starting to trek up mud-mountain
The Scariest Obstacle for me:
Definitely the fireman's pole. I have a horrid fear of heights, or to be more specific, falling and breaking my ankles...or my skull. I have fairly crappy balance, and my upper body strength is still not where I'd like it to be. But I gripped on for dear life and took the leap. I remember hitting the ground and going into a squat to absorb the shock, because I slid down fast. That was one of the first places where I knew my exercise was helpful. Landing in a proper stance and absorbing the shock was a learned instinct. I think I need to start doing some indoor rock climbing to help me get over my fear of heights.
The Falls:
I may be tripping in mud, but I'm laughing about it!
I took a few. More than a few. One inch away from face planting into the mud. I probably fell a good 4-6 times near the end of the race. But I just got up and kept going. And I was able to laugh at myself, how do you not fall in mud pits filled with rocks and logs at the bottom? Only option, right?
Mental Toughness:
Mental Toughness is a funny thing. Your body can go further than your mind, the question is can you push your mind beyond what it thinks you can do? There were a few hills that I was booking it up, and I felt myself wanting to quit, but I just kept putting my self one step ahead. Booking 230 lbs on a woman's body uphill is no easy task. When you are overcoming those mental blocks, all you can really worry about to keep yourself going is that next step, and not giving up.
Endurance:
I has it. I did this five mile course, with obstacles, up hills, and one of my first thoughts when we were all done was "I could have gone further." I actually had more gas in my tank.
Afterthought:
I was pulling into my house after an hour and a half drive back home, and saw my neighbor's girl-friend's car with 13.1 and 26.2 stickers on the back of her car, and that was the first time I've ever though "yeah I could do a half marathon." I don't even like running to be honest. I like accomplishments. I like being better than I was before. I like doing something that there was no freakin' way I could have done last year. I like being excited to do it next year stronger and faster. And the Tough Mudder is still on my horizon. That's number one on my bucket list. I figure if I can train for a half marathon, why not one with electroshock therapy and climbing? 11 months to train. No problem.
My only sad part is I lost my timing chip on the course. There's always next year, and there definitely will be a next year. We signed up to do this race "casually" this year, but it might be fun to do it in the competitive group next year. We will see what lies ahead. A lot can change in a year, and I'm excited to see where I will be.
Special thanks to all of my awesome donors: Anna, Mandy, Tony's mom, Kenny, Sarah, Nan, and Carole. Special thanks to Borough in Minneapolis for donating to our team. Twin Cities people - Check them out for some awesome eats next time you have a date night !
Plateaus. They happen. Or what we think are plateaus happen. A true plateau is your body holding onto your weight despite continuing current healthy eating and exercise conditions for a period of generally 6 or more weeks.
Bruce Lee is Awesome. That's all.
On Wed, the 19th my weigh went up a few pounds, and this past Wed it came back down plus another 0.6. So You could say that for how I was losing previously this sounds like the beginning of a plateau, and it kinda feels like a plateau. I feel like my body is not changing much, and I'm not challenging myself as much compared to the rapid-fire it was going at previously. I could wait 6 weeks to see if things keep not moving, or I could do something about it now. I've been doing pretty much the same routine for the past three months, and it might be time to change it up.
What do we know about breaking up plateaus? To break them you need to shake things up. There are two major areas to do this. Diet and Exercise. It's really all about balancing taking in the right about of calories with balanced macro-nutrients, and keeping your body's metabolism going in the most efficient way possible.
Diet
Are you eating everything you should?
Are you eating at least 5 servings of vegetables a day, and some fruit?
Are you writing everything down?
Are you drinking your water?
Are you following your plan?
Exercise
Do you have an exercise plan?
Do you stick to your plan?
Is the exercise pushing you outside of your boundaries on a regular basis?
Is the exercise challenging?
How do you feel upon recovery?
When was the last time you changed up your plan?
You could just read this picture
instead of this blog post
My Diet:
I try as best I can to eat six healthy meals a day. I've been slacking just a little bit for the past few weeks though. I've had more processed, wheat carbs than usual like a few chips here or some animal crackers. I haven't been writing everything down on My Fitness Pal like I usually do. I've also been having a few more caloric beverages, mostly coffee with creamers. It's not much when I have it, but 50 calories here or there can add up. But do I think this is my issue? Not really. I generally eat healthy, whole foods like chicken, turkey, fish, veggies, fruits, brown rice, and I'm getting into sweet potatoes. That being said, I'm going to try to write everything for the next 30 days, and limit my empty drink calories to 60 a day for 6 days a week.
My Exercise:
This is where I think I to change things up. I've been doing a pretty predictable routine for the past few months, and I think the muscle memory is setting in. You can do lots of simple things to help kickstart the losses again. It could be as simple as changing the time of day you exercise, the class you take, the routine you do, switching your elliptical to a treadmill or vice versa.
My current weekly routine goes like this:
Sunday: Zumba Class in Evening or Rest day if needed Monday: Caveman class in Evening Tuesday: Personal Training at Noon Wednesday: Active Rest Day or Caveman Class at Noon Thursday: Kickboxing or Zumba in the evening (sometimes both) Friday: Personal Training at Noon Saturday: If I'm off work, Caveman class in morning, if I'm working, elliptical or strength at the Y after work OR Zumba/Dance videogames after the kids go to bed.
I have some ideas to change things up. My work schedule is going to free up my Mondays and Wednesdays starting next week, so I could look at moving my training day. But here's what I really want to do. I would like to give my trainer my schedule of all my open times I could exercise, a list of all the exercises I enjoy, and a list of my goals, and I want him to just tell me what to do and when. And I'm going to do it. Maybe he has some ideas of things that could push me further and shake things up, or a better way to schedule it out. Here are my lists. Now I need to go make a nerdy spreadsheet of my schedule to gently nudge his way next week.
Exercises I either currently do or am fine/open to doing:
Caveman classes/caveman exercises/circuit training like ropes, tires, ladders, kettlebells, TRX, etc.
Kickboxing
Running
Zumba
Free Weights (I'm not good with the machines, but I have experience with most lifts with free weights)
Classes I'm interested in trying at the Y Bootcamp, Tabata, R.I.P.P.E.D.
Elliptical/Cardio equipment as needed
Dance Videogames at home
Hope activities in small doses while my kids play: Equimpent - Resistance bands, Jump rope, Body Weight, Exercise Ball, Foam Roller
Something else new? :)
Fitness Goals:
Gain Strength - Increase Muscle %
Lower Body Fat % (duh)'
Increased Endurance
Full lower body ROM - "ass to grass/staying parallel" with squats, tire flips, and deadlifts.
Increase Balance
Increase Flexibility
Increase running speed (and in order of goal)- Run/Walk a 5 K - Run a mile - Run a 5k
Now to convince my trainer to organize my training life, because my life right now is organized around my training. Easier said than done!
Mental Toughness It's something I hear mentioned a lot when I am working with my trainer or when I'm working at the Caveman Gym. It's been described by the leading expert, Dr. Jim Loehr as "the ability to consistently perform towards the upper range of your talent and skill regardless of competitive circumstances" whatever that means. A better description is "Mental Toughness generally describes a collection of attributes that allow a person to persevere through difficult circumstances (such as difficult training or difficult competitive situations in games) and emerge without losing confidence." My personal view of what it means to embody mental toughness is that whatever situation I'm in, however I'm feeling that day, and that time; I'm going to give everything I've got in my tank, and when that's gone, I will find some more, I won't quit, and I won't give up. Almost every time I leave a class at the Cave-gym (Evolution Group Fitness), and almost every time I work with my trainer, I leave thinking "Wow, that was the hardest workout ever." That will never change. My workouts will continually be the hardest workout ever because I will push myself further, lift more, run further, and go faster. It's the only way to get stronger. This weeks workouts were especially challenging for me. Monday evening's Caveman class started with 7 minutes of bear crawls and killers...and that was just the warm up. The main challenge was a sprinting obstacle course of Killers/Death Marches/Dumbbell Snatches/Medicine Ball Slams/Dead Lifts/Sledgehammers. It was a tough course. After pushing an incredibly heavy tire across the floor and back, I couldn't catch my breath, but I kept going. I was working out with people who are athletes, who work hard and challenge themselves, and my trainer was leading the class, and these factors push me to give my hardest and push myself further when I don't think I can possibly complete one more round of this Obstacle Sprint Course. Yesterday my trainer had me working outside. It was hot, humid, my allergies were going nuts, the air didn't move, and it was oppressive. I was out of breath three minutes into some basic punches and light jogging, and we had 57 minutes to go. 57 minutes of 85 degree weather that felt line 90's. We did what we've done a lot lately. Balance, core and ROM exercises followed by a circuit of Battle Ropes, Weighted exercises, Sledgehammers, tire flips and running. Several times during my workout I felt like I couldn't take one step further, or that I didn't think I could flip that tire, and that's when the mental game kicks into high gear. The trick is finding out what works for you. When I'm in the middle of a kick-my-ass workout, it's not thinking about my health, or the skinny jeans, or doing it for my family that does it for me. It's much more simple and short term than that. It's what I can tangibly achieve in the next five second. It's picking a spot in my run, and not quitting before that no matter how I feel - just making it to that stop sign/the top of the hill/the end of the wall. It's making myself flip the tire and focusing on just this one flip, not worrying about the next one. It's putting all my effort into it because I want to hear the "Yea, buddy" from my trainer. I may want it to end, I could be dripping sweat, I may feel like I need to puke, but I power through it, and I get it done. When I'm running and I can't breath and I have my "mental monologue" going through my head, my trainer's accompanying mantras of "Purpose, Pride, Power" and "Get stronger than that" keep me going, even as we round the corner of the splash pad and the moms out there probably think we look crazy, and sweat is dripping in my eyes because it's so humid, and I feel like I can't propel another step forward, I dig in, and I make it.
Caveman Athletes
And then at the end, what do I earn for all that hard work? Besides a body that's getting more awesome every day in looks and physical ability, I earn pride and respect. Pride in myself for being able to accomplish something I couldn't the week before. Respect of my trainer, and classmates. When someone in my class tells me I'm awesome, or that they could see how hard I was working, that means something to me. I'm starting to grasp the concept that when I work hard, I even motivate them as much as they motivate me . I'm not one who takes compliments well, but I'm learning. When my trainer would say that he was proud of me, because of my low self esteem or whatever, I would brush it off as something he had to say because he's training me/or to keep me motivated, etc. Now I think I can honestly say that I believe him. If he says I did good, and if he says he's proud of me, I believe it, and it fuels my motivation. I think the most important thing to remember with mental toughness is that it starts outside of the gym. It's worth spending some time to think about what really motivates you when you feel like you can't go any further. Think about everything from deciding to go to the gym, choosing workout clothes, deciding how you want to workout, intensity, when to stop, when to keep going, how to keep your commitment. Tell yourself that you are worth it, and then actually believe it. Decide what's going to keep you going, and own it, and make that your mental toughness. It doesn't actually occur to me to quit, or just give up, or walk away. And this is where having a trainer, or being in classes really is a benefit. If I were sitting in the back of a Zumba class, and I just felt like I couldn't go on, maybe I could just walk out and not come back. Nobody would care - they are busy getting their own workout on. I couldn't imagine what my trainer would do if I just quit. After developing several months of trust working with him, I know that I can accomplish anything he throws at me. "I can't" doesn't exist when working with him, and the other Caveman instructors. I can accomplish, and I come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes I go slow, sometimes I take an extra deep breath, and sometimes it takes a little extra yelling from an instructor to get me moving, but I get it done. "Commit...No Excuses" - The Caveman Mantra, and I try to live it.
I love my scale. I hate my scale. It depends on the week. Actually I've always loved my scale. It's a predictable friend. I weigh in Wednesday and I'm down. I work hard, I eat clean, with maybe a few small treats throughout the week, the calories are always where they should be, and I lose weight. I also lose inches, gain strength, energy and ability.
Well the scale didn't budge this week. It's not quite my friend this week. I tried to explain to him that I exercised my butt off, I even took an extra long class, I took my rest day, I ate clean besides my cheat meal, I tracked my calories, but he didn't care. In fact, the scale went the other way to the tune of 2.8 lbs. This is the first time since I started my journey 5.5 months ago that I have not lost weight, and it was a big gain. And you know what? I'm annoyed, but I don't really care. I'm not going to go pig out on a bag of candy or chips and say that what I'm doing is useless, and it's never going to work. Because it is working. I've still lost 52 lbs, doing the same exact things I did this past week. It was just time for a little gain, and this week is just a blip on the radar. And honestly, the past four previous weeks I had lost 2.75 lbs a week on average, so sometimes the scale needs to slow down a bit.
Now is the part where people might want to tell me to ignore the scale and count the inches, and it's not the number on the scale that matters. In part, that's true....when you're down to maybe 20 lbs overweight and trying to tone up and get the right body. But I'm Obese, and when you are obese, that scale should be moving and it does matter. It's the easiest metric to use at this point in the game to see your progress. That being said, everything else matters too. I feel stronger, clothes fit better, inches are down (except my waist was up this week- I'm bloated I tell ya!), so the scale isn't everything, but it is still a factor.
Lets just get this clear though...this week, the scale is not so much a friend.
I thought I would make it official here. I lost over 50 lbs in less than 5 months. I started on Monday, Jan 7th at 289.6 lbs. Yesterday morning I weighed in at 238 lbs. In 21 weeks I have lost an average of 2.45 lbs per week. I think it's safe to say that I know what I'm doing, and I am working with people who know what they are doing.
This is not my first weight loss rodeo, It's just my most successful one, not to mention my last one. I've always been very educated on how to eat and exercise to lose weight and get fit. I've been into the idea of clean eating and being fit for about 6 years now since I first tried Body for Life. I feed my kids very healthy meals, and make sure they get exercise, but it just wasn't clicking for me. The motivation just wasn't there. I was more and more depressed as life went on. My joy was in my kids. I was becoming that mother who gave up on myself, and just focused on living my life through my kids. I knew how to fix it, I just didn't have the gas to get the engine going.
That all started to change when I saw these pictures from Halloween 2012. I couldn't believe that was me. I had gotten so big in such a short amount of time, I knew I couldn't go on but I still didn't have the motivation.
Even after seeing gigantic photos of myself at Christmas, the few that I let people take, I knew something had to change. But it took until Jan 7th for it to click. I woke up that morning and just knew I wasn't going to live this way anymore. I went into a Weight Watchers, knowing that their program is a solid way to do things and there was no looking back.
I spent only about a month doing weight watchers when I realized I wanted more. I wanted to really focus not just on losing weight and counting calories, but on fitness and making the right food choices. Going to the gym and working out quickly became a priority, and I was having to skip a workout day to go to a WW meeting, with my 2 yr old in tow and getting nothing out of it. I found My Fitness Pal and left WW. I love tracking my calories and macros (protein/fat/fiber) on there, and it's easy. I watch the macros and the fat melts off.
At the same time, about 8 weeks into this, I joined a gym, and found my trainer. I knew what my goals were, and I knew I wanted something awesome and challenging, and I had researched the person to make that happen. The cost of a Bariatric surgery would be about $25,000 out of pocket for me, and the cost of a Personal Trainer was significantly less. So I decided that I was worth it, and I made the investment. And it's one of the best investments I've made in my life. I work with my trainer twice a week, I take Caveman classes 2-3 times a week, Kickboxing, Zumba and now Running to fill in all the other spots I'm stronger, more flexible, with more energy and ability than I've ever had in my life and it's awesome.
I'm the one putting in all of the hard work. I'm the one who sweats more than you'd think a girl should be able to. I am the one making this happen. That being said, without my trainer, I absolutely know that I would not be where I'm at right now. If it were me alone doing the elliptical 3x a week and lifting 3x a week, sure I would be losing weight, but I would never have the ability or knowledge to push myself like I do now. I would not have the variety of activities that I do now. I would not have the confidence I have now. And I know the ability to continually shake my boundaries, and to never do the same workout twice are what is making my body shape the way it is, and the weight fall off as fast as it is. The only memory my muscles ever gain is that when they my trainer walk into the room, they know they are going to be exhausted 60 minutes later.
I don't know how to explain the mindset and continued motivation I have right now. I keep almost expecting myself to lose it, have days where I don't want to go to the gym in a row, and just munch on some doritos. I don't know if it's the fact that I've been doing this so consistently now, but nothing is shaking me. Nothing. I don't even understand where all this willpower is coming from. The only thing that really explains it is that I like it. I like the food I'm eating, it makes me feel good, gives me energy, makes my skin clear and fills me up. The exercise is fun. It's hard. It's humbling. It's made me cry, and get frustrated and angry. Yet, I am always excited to go to the gym. I literally cannot recall any time in history that I have EVER been excited to go to the gym, but now I can't even think of a time in the last 4 months that I have not been excited to go to the gym and work on myself. It's weird, I can't think of a better way to explain it...just weird, and awesome.
I did buy myself the necklace that I wanted for myself, and in perfect timing, it showed up in the mail yesterday. I'm proud to have lost 50 lbs, and I'm proud to push myself cavegirl style, and I'm pushing on to my next goals and to continued health and increased fitness.
I've made a few milestones in the last 5 months I've been doing this. 5 lbs. 10 lbs. 5% 20 lbs. 25 lbs. 10% Not being Morbidly obese anymore. 30 lbs. 40 lbs. Losing a 5 year old's weight,. And they have all been fine, and I've felt ok about each of them. I was never super ecstatic really. I never really felt like "wow, good job Erica." I just hit the goal, and kept going.
50 feels different, and my emotional baggage this week has been apparent, and my theory is it's all related to hitting this number. Why 50? Why do I feel like that is something that's ok to say "Alright girl, yeah, you're kinda a bad ass." Today in my personal training we did the usual mixed bag of exercises, followed by an ass kicking. We did 2 minute intervals, and I just don't know how to explain it unless you've done it. Two minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's not about doing two minutes of exercise, it's about pushing yourself as hard as you can for two minutes and if you are pushing yourself right, it's literally the hardest two minutes of exercise ever, each time. I can do Zumba classes all day long, but 2 minute caveman intervals will drive me to the edge.
I started with 2 minutes of Battle Ropes, and in the middle of the ropes I felt so weak. I took one deep breath and quit worrying about how I was going to keep going, and I got through it, pushing, no stopping, even if my waves at the end were the sad little step-children of the waves I started with.
After that, some other normal exercises, all pretty difficult. Finally, I had the choice for my last exercise. Two minutes medicine ball slams or two minutes flipping tires, and I chose tires. My muscles were fatigued, and I still chose the exercise that I knew would be harder. Both exercises are really about moving your body weight around with a compound movement, except a tire is a heck of a lot heavier than a medicine ball.
And that was really the hardest two minutes. My muscles were fatigued, I could feel everything in my thighs with each lift, and it just about made me fall over. Except it wasn't the hardest exercise, because immediately after, we had to run just half way around the building. I mean sure it's a good sized building, but anyone can run halfway around a building, right? And I just about died. I know that if my warmup was "run halfway around the building" that would be no problem, but doing it at the end when you've already given 100% of what you have was hard. The hardest.
And it wasn't the run that was hard. That's fine. I'm there to do hard exercise. It's the fact that that run was hard that affected me so much. I want to be further than I am. I want to do everything that I can possibly do. to make myself better. I want to feel worthy of buying myself a little kettlebell necklace that says "Cavegirl," that says I've beaten 50 lbs. I want to have earned those 50 lbs, and feel like I've made true progress. And sometimes, even with the data there, I don't see it. Even though the first time I did 2 minutes of straight tire flips it was 7 flips, and this time it was 16, I don't always feel like I'm getting there.
When I think about how I can't even run around half a building without feeling like I'm going to keel over, I can get so down on myself. I don't feel worthy of feeling like the fitness badass I actually am. I couldn't even talk to my trainer today about it, because I almost broke down into tears at least 3 times trying to explain that I suck at running and it sucks that I suck, and how I just don't always feel worthy of what I'm doing. I know it will change, but the process is quite difficult.
What I really need to remember is that if this was anyone else that I knew doing this... if some chick were working extra hours just to pay to get her ass busted on a daily basis, to focus everything on hitting that goal, to lose almost 50 lbs in almost 5 months by making sacrifice, committing, and having no excuses...I would be in absolute awe of how awesome she is. So there it is. I just need to look at me from the outside in, and be in absolute awe of how freakin' awesome I am. And when I do lose 50 lbs, I need to be proud of what I have achieved. Because I'm pretty freakin' kick ass.
Scale obsession. I like to pretend I don't have it, but I do have it. I like to say things like the numbers on the scale don't matter to me, but they do matter to me. In this incredibly long process, with this much weight to lose, sometimes it's hard to believe I have changed at all. I look in the mirror, and I don't see a difference. I workout so much, but somedays I don't feel any stronger even though that's ridiculous. Logically speaking (Vulcan style), I know I'm stronger. I get so neurotic about it though, because when I can't see changes in myself, the only thing that I can trust is measurable outcomes. Things like "how do my clothes fit, how much deeper can I squat, how far can I run, what are my measurements, but most glaringly obvious, and easy to measure is 'HOW MUCH DO I WEIGH?'
I have this pattern of officially "Weighing in Wednesday", and then not watching my salt AS much Wed/Thurs/Fri, and then maybe I will have a special treat on Sat, like this last saturday I had some bar food at the Kickboxing fight I went to, and then I wake up on Sunday and the scale is up 5-6 lbs from last Wed.
Then EVEN though I know it's just related to salt and water retention, I start to question everything, and get into negative thinking;
Am I eating the right foods?
I took a day off of exercising, is that ok?
I didn't exercise as intensely that day, so did I even make any progress?
I'm not going to lose weight this week.
I want to get to 50 lbs so bad, and I know my body is going to plateau here.
Am I ever going to look anything other than how I look right now?
Then the re-affirmations come. Because I know better. I take pictures for a reason. I can see the difference. I can feel the difference. I know I can do this. And the only way to win this fight is to be positive. So I tell myself;
Yes you are doing good
It's ok to only do 1/2 an hour of exercise some days
It's ok to miss one day a week
You did eat healthy this week, yes you had bar food but you were still only at 2500 calories that day, and that's not going to change anything, etc.
Dang girl, did you see those pictures?
Your butt is looking great!
In training yesterday as my trainer is kicking my ass and sweat is pouring off of me, I said "I'm not going to lose any weight this week, and I'm going to even gain, I know it." He asked why, and I said "I just know it, some weeks women don't lose weight. It's our bodies. I just don't feel like I will. The scale is still up." And I'm pretty sure he looked at me like I was certifiable, because even if I don't always believe how hard I'm working, other people know it and see it.
Apparently I was certifiable, because I was down another 2.2 lbs, for a total of 48.8 lbs. Yes, that means I'm 1.2 lbs away from 50, and do you know what the first thing I said to myself was? "Don't get set on getting there next week, it might take two weeks. You probably won't lose 1.2 lbs in one week here." Well I might not, but actually, I probably will. Of course it's ok if I don't get it done this week, but it's also very possible. It's possible that I could hit 50 lbs, which yes, is just a number, but it's a significant number that I've been looking forward to for a while. AND if I hit it next week, that would be pretty darn epic.
The point is I need to trust my process. It's real simple. There's no special gimmic or trick. Exercise 6-7 days a week, eat clean, occasionally cheat = lose weight and get fit, and stay happy. And the process is working.
I had this significant goal in my head, that I wanted to lose my eldest son in weight and then take a picture next to him....
That happened this week. I'm down 2.8 lbs this week, which is incredible seeing the amount of junk food I've been presented in the past 5 days. Then again, maybe not so incredible given the amount of junk food I've refused. I was offered papa murphy's pizza Friday, Hot dogs/cup cake/beer Saturday, Pizza sunday, Pizza Monday, Pizza, Pie and Angel food, cake and chocolate nut clusters last night. Since Pizza is my kryptonite, this was all especially hard for me. BUT I did not turn it all down, which I feel makes me stronger.
With each of these decisions, I really try to think about if this is something I really want, can control myself with and am ok eating. I chose some Pizza Monday for Oliver's birthday. Before I take that bite of a trigger food, like pizza I have to think through it, because if I didn't, I could very easily just mindlessly eat through a large quantity of pizza. I look up the calories, I calculate how much I want to spend, and I try to stick to that. If I'm still hungry after, I chug some water, eat some veggies or fruit and move on.
I'm not always perfect though. After my son's birthday party on Saturday, I'm exhausted, and hungry, I decided I was going to eat a cupcake. One little cupcake sounds good, right? So I did. After that cupcake, without thinking, I just grabbed a second cupcake...and I ate it. 2 cupcakes is not the end of the world. The fact that I didn't even think about what I was doing until after was the scary part. From there I made good decisions. I looked up the calories, 290 each, 580 total. I wrote it down in my fitness pal, and I moved on. There's no point in dwelling in mistakes and making it worse. Just recognize what happened, write it down, move on. And it's not really even bad to eat two cupcakes once in a while. Where I get upset is that I can just shove food in my mouth and not even think about it.
Along with my two cupcake splurge, my portion of pizza and a slice of angel food cake, I also made lots of great choices this week like turkey-veggie meatloaf, apricots galore, strawberries, cucumbers, salads, rotisserie chicken, greek yogurt and seven days of exercises, and it shows.
Down 2.8 lbs, and 46.6 lbs total this week. Here's my new favorite picture of me standing next to my 44 lb - 5 year old right before his Star Wars birthday party. I've lost his 44 lbs, plus two (heck, plus that Emperor Palpatine lego figure). Sometimes It's hard to "see" how much I've lost, but seeing myself standing next to him makes me realize it's pretty significant.
I've been on this journey now for a little over four months, and as of this morning I've lost 43.8 lbs. I'm a completely changed person. This week I was getting so frustrated that my size 22 and 24 jeans weren't fitting right. The waist seemed to be fitting ok, but the butt was sagging in all these jeans. Then I tried on a size 20 pair of jeans, and realized the problem was that I didn't fit into those other sizes anymore.
I decided to do one of those progress colleges although I had a hard time taking an non-blurry picture yesterday. I think you can still see a difference.
43 lbs down as of today.
6.6 points lost in my BMI - From 44 to 37.4, over halfway through the Obese II category.
23.5 inches gone between the 5 measurements: Bust, Natural Waist, Hip, Arms, Thighs
Estimated Body Fat % down from 55% to 45.2%
I have never lost more than 40 lbs when trying to lose weight before, and there's no sign of me quitting, giving up, or losing hope, This is happening. When I've tried before, I've lifted, I've done my elliptical, I knew how do it, but I wasn't passionate about it. I'm passionate about what I'm doing now. I've never felt more awesome about myself in my life than when I'm exercising, and pushing myself to do something outside my comfort zones. I used to have to drag myself to the gym and I would find excuses to skip, now I count the hours until it's time to go to the gym and find excuses to go more. But can you blame me with a setup like this?
Almost every time I go to training, or a go to a Caveman class, I try something new. I have at least one new breakthrough every week. Last Tuesday, I was having a bad day and I could hardly make myself flip that tire. This Tuesday I was able to do 10 flips in a row in a pretty fast amount of time. Last week I almost fell off that red step on the right of the picture. Today, I was hovering on one foot up on that step for 30 seconds+. I'm addicted to improving myself physically and while I'm busy focusing on these new physical challenges, the rest of my body is busy shrinking away.
I'm starting to refer to myself as a Cavegirl sometimes, because I'm really starting to feel like a total bad ass down to my core. I can flip tires, I can throw down sledgehammers, I can sprint, I can jump on a moving treadmill, I can swing battle ropes, I can do 150 reps of shoulder presses at 30 lbs within an hour. I might not be able to do 60 lbs, but it's not that number that matters. It's pushing yourself, and not giving up. It's when your trainer tells you "I'm not going to lower your weight even though you are struggling" and you go beyond trying your hardest to push through those reps. And not because he said he's not going to lower the weight, but because you don't want him to lower the weight.
That's the saying right? It's a pretty easy concept to get...much harder to execute. You can do all the exercise you want, but if you eat pancakes and bacon for breakfast, pizza and chips for dinner, it's just not going to do you any good.
I talk a lot about going to the gym, and working out. It's the high that keeps me going. But the real work is done in rewiring my mindset, my tongue and my stomach. I keep my trigger foods out of the house. When there are cookies, chocolate and other crap on the counter at work, I have to use my willpower to stay strong. Trust me, that stuff still calls to me when I see it, but I control it so much better now. I eat 6 mostly "clean/whole foods" meals a day, and I'm currently playing around with the calorie amount and balance, but one things I know - whole foods are key, veggies and fruits are absolute necessities.
So what happens when I come home from an awesome workout starving, and realize I don't really have much for food? I get to work. They say beauty is pain? Well whatever. Those liars have never cut onions before. These are not tears of joy people!
Needless to say, there was work to be done. Within a matter of an hour, I had cooked some chicken, quinoa, chopped up 6 baggies of veggies for salad toppings and egg throw ins including purple and white onions, celery, mushrooms, and two bags of peppers. I chopped up three quarts of strawberries and mangos. And at the end I had a good sized bowl of chicken quinoa salad to fulfill my after workout cravings. I have enough leftovers now to get me through my work weekend. While I was cooking, I realized it was going to take too long so I grabbed a greek yogurt and ate that. You should always have something on hand for if you get a little desperate.
I generally have these items on hand at all time:
Greek Yogurt
Protein Powder
Cheese Sticks or mini babybell's
Lara Bars (or a good protein bar)
Fresh Fruit of some sort (In my house right now are mangos, grapes, cuties, strawberries)
Nuts - my favorites are the "wonderful" brand shelled pistachios I buy by the giant bag full at costco. Kids love them too.
All My Veggies
I was eventually able to whip up a batch of chicken quinoa salad, which will last me through my work weekend for lunches so that's great. The point is BE PREPARED. Think ahead about food. If you don't, and you find yourself in a hungry situation, try to think about your hunger and make the best of the situation, and always have backup items. if everything else fails, and you just need some carbs and quinoa isn't going to cut it, pop some popcorn, because there's not a lot of point to working your arse off (literally) in Kickboxing class, just to come home and eat chips and ice cream.
It's been three months since I made the decision to change my life. Lots of people talk about starting diets, it's going to be on Monday, or after Christmas or New Year's, getting ready for summer or a Class Reunion. I've been there before. I tried to lose weight for my wedding, for my brother's wedding, I've started after holiday's, I've started on Monday. But often I quit on Monday night. I give up after one bad week. I lose whatever motivation I had to give my "diet" a half ass try. I've referred to my diet as a lifestyle change before, and I'm no stranger to eating healthy and exercising. I've done 6 meals a day, Body for Life, Weight Watchers, exercise, no exercise, curves, gyms.
I've been obese since I was in third grade. My mom took me to Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 13 years old. I know what you are thinking. 13 is way too young for WW, but I saw it work for her, and I begged. I did really well, but gave that up eventually, and that started a lifetime of cycle dieting, yoyoing, motivation followed by excuses and giving up.
My breaking point:
Everyone who really makes a change like this has a breaking point. There's not just one thing that was going bad in my life, everything was going bad.
In 6 months I had somehow rapidly gained about 30 lbs. Partially I can blame it on a hormonal medication, but the other part was eating crapily and living a mostly sedentary lifestyle. Work was painful for me, I tweaked my back a couple times. I had a hard time lifting clients. Certain physical moves I had to perform would strain my lower back.
One big pre-breaking pt. low spot was Halloween for me. I love dressing up. I like designing and sewing costumes, but I've lost my love for it the bigger I've gotten. For halloween this year, I just figured I would do a simple fairy outfit. Black dress, wings, and I would make a tutu and put on some crazy makeup. I would say that someone of my size shouldn't wear a tutu, and that's probably true because I looked like the Giant Godzilla Fairy Monster. And the worst part is that people said I looked so cute, because that was as cute as I could possibly look at that size. At this point I still wasn't ready to step on the scale.
I knew I needed to lose weight. You don't not know. When someone says they are fine being this obese, that's not true. Nobody is fine with this. Some people live with it, some people don't have the motivation to change, but nobody is fine with it. Nobody is happy with this type of body. But I still didn't have the drive I needed.
As the holiday months passed I continued to gain weight. My size 24 jeans didn't fit anymore. I had bought some "yoga" pants, because they would be good for work of course. And I started wearing those all the time. My husband would say "Just buy some jeans that fit" as he watched me do the pregnancy trick with my jeans (a hair binder through the loophole). I didn't want to waste the money, because I was going to start eating right and working out soon. But I didn't have a clear vision of this working out/eating right Erica, I just said it because I didn't want to face the music. So I finally did it. I bought a size 26 pair of jeans. I brought them home, knowing they would fit, and guess what? They were too tight. I could NOT fit into size 26 jeans, which means I was a size 28. I can't even say that. In fact, if someone were to ask me what my biggest size was, I would probably say 26.
More low points:
I couldn't play with my kids the way I want. I asked my husband to carry laundry and groceries up the stairs for me. He took them outside to play. Dancing winded me too much. Seats in movie theatres were getting
too tight for me. I was scared to go on an airplane ride. Nothing fits me. Nothing. Bras don't fit right. Shirts don't fit right. Underwear doesn't fit right. Pants don't fit right. Shoes don't even fit right, because my feet are too fat. Carrying my baby up the stairs would wind me. I was depressed. Unhappy. Lazy. Mean. Had an incredibly stressful relationship with my husband. Ate crappy food, my joy was a bag of candy and a diet coke. I was getting to the point where I had a hard time standing up from the couch. I hated going to ECFE, because I hated having to sit on the floor, because it was so hard for me to get up off the floor, not to mention the ungraceful way I plopped my butt down.
The Change:
26 is the size of the biggest pair of jeans I own, because that was it for me. I said FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm better than this. I can do more than this. Right then and there I signed up for Weight Watchers again knowing that it's a good place to start. I started eating healthy that night. I went to my first meeting the next morning, where my first official weight from them was 289.2 lbs. I had 125.2 lbs to lose to get to 164 lbs, which is the top healthy BMI* weight for my height.
My cousin and I out dancing.
I bought Zumba on my Wii to get started. I couldn't do 15 minutes without feeling like dying, a month later after doing it every day (sometimes twice a day), I could do a 45 minute stint. I joined the YMCA. I started going to Zumba and Body Pump classes. I got a Heart Rate Monitor to watch my burn. I decided to use My fitness pal for tracking instead of WW, because I really wanted to focus on core foods and exercise. I hired a Personal trainer. I joined ANOTHER gym to keep my mojo going.
Size 22 Jeans (Taken 4/7/13)
I've lost 30 lbs in three months. That's a great number for me. I've been committed every single day. I make thoughtful choices about what I eat, how I move, how I act every day and it shows. After 3 months my size 24 jeans are too lose, my yoga pants can't stay on my hips. I carry my groceries up the stairs. I have dance parties while swinging my children around. My marriage is in a healing process. I smile all the time. I laugh all the time. I'm happy almost all the time. I went dancing with my cousin for the first time in forever last night, and the only problem is that I needed a belt. I dyed my hair crazy colors, because I'm so happy that I had the confidence to let the real me shine through. Even when I'm tired and exhausted, I can still keep going. I can go to work, and not be grumpy. I can make myself go to the gym. The endorphins are working their way into my life in an awesome way.
All I know is that I'm never going back. I'm never going to not be able to fit into a size 26 jean unless it's entirely too big (which it is now!) This is the new me. The new me is wearing size 22 capri's in the picture I took today. I like me so much better, and I'm here to stay. I've got a long ways to go, but life is good. 30 lbs in three months? I can't wait to see what I accomplish in a year.
This meal uses two of my most needed ingredients to stay on track. One of the biggest staples in my house to keep me full, and fill my protein needs is tilapia. The other ingredient I could not live without, that makes my tastebuds feel satisfied is 21 Seasoning Salute from Trader Joe's. It's $1.99 a bottle, and I put it on EVERYTHING. Fish, Chicken, Veggies, Ice Cream...ok not ice cream. But it really adds flavor to a lot of meals.
I buy a large package of fresh tilapia (about 3lbs) at costco every 1-2 weeks to cook up for meals for my family. My favorite quick and easy meal for myself is below. It takes about 10 minutes to put together.
Serves 3: (you can make it stretch to more or less as you wish). I often put all the fish in a baggie to marinate, and then fry them up 1 filet at a time as I need them.
Ingredients:
3 - 6 oz tilapia filets
3 garlic cloves - minced
1 Tbsp Honey
1 Tbsp Low Sodium Soy Sauce
2 Tbsp Lemon Juice
2 tsp Trader Joe's 21 Seasoning Salute (or less yummy alternate seasoning of your choice)
1 TBSP Olive Oil (1 tsp each filet for frying)
3 cups asparagus, or a large bunch
1 TBSP Olive Oil for asparagus (optional)
3 TBSP Wonderful Almond Accents
Directions:
1. Pour garlic, honey, soy sauce, lemon juice and 21 Seasoning Salute into a gallon sized ziplock bag.
2. Add fish filet, shake around to coat. Let sit a few minutes to soak up the seasoning.
3. Heat 1 tsp of olive oil in frying pan over medium heat.
4. Add Fish, fry about 3 minutes on each side or until cooked throughout.
5. While fish is cooking, steam your asparagus I plated mine tonight with a Tablespoon of these yummy Almond Accents, a teaspoon of olive oil and some 21 seasoning salute sprinkled on top.
6. Add Fish to plate, serve, and EAT!
Takes 10 minutes. 1 serving including the two tsp of olive oil (could be reduced on asparagus) yields: 316 calories, 14 g Carbs, 5 g Fiber, 15 g fat, 50 g Protein.
This morning I was less bummed out than I thought I would be when my scale only dropped 0.6 lbs from last week. I know that I've done everything I could to keep on track this week. I've exercised hard, worked hard, ate clean, drank my water, didn't drink my diet coke, and lived the life. I chalked it up to all the normal things we tell ourselves when the scale doesn't match the effort. Muscle weighs more than fat, it's just your body retaining water, you had a big drop last week/you will have a big drop next week, you're a woman, etc. But in the end, it doesn't matter because I'm still making progress and I'm still happy.
I did the math and realized I hit exactly 10% of my weight gone today. I'm pretty happy with that. A total of 29 lbs. even. YAY 10%!!!! If I was still doing weight watchers, I would have earned a poorly made, but awesome keychain. As it stands now, I just earn my own happiness and self worth. Maybe I can give myself a picture of a 10% keychain and feel better?
I've been taking a lot of pictures of myself lately, not because I'm a narcissist (ok I am), but because I need to see these changes, and when I share them it helps me feel accountable. This week I looked at the picture below, and it's an eye opener. I'm 260 now, and I've been 260 before. However, this 260 lbs is a huge change from any other 260 I've ever been. I wish I had a picture of the last time I was there, because wow. The difference exercise makes is incredible.
I wanted to share things I've noticed in my body:
My butt is higher, like a lot higher. When I tried on my "smaller" pair of jeans and they fit, I was excited - except they only fit the waist, and there was an empty cavern where my butt used to sit.
My thighs are slimmer, and tighter. I've lost 2 inches in the circumference of each thigh.
My stomach is a lot tighter. Sure I have a long way to go, but I can start to see the indentations that comes from doing killer sets of crunches and other ab exercises.
My boobs are getting smaller...FINALLY!
My arms are stronger, much stronger. I used to be the weak nurse, now I had a client tell me not to lift so hard. That's never happened to me before.
My skin is clearer and much less dry. It's all the water that makes a difference. I live in the cold tundra of Minnesota, and every winter I deal with itchy, really bad dry skin all over my body. This year, I have not even had to deal with the problem. It's been great!
This all feels awesome, but nothing feels as great as seeing someone you haven't in 3 months and having that person do a double-take on you, and say "Wow, You've lost weight!" Not "Have you been loosing weight by any chance?" or "You look skinnier." She said "You've lost weight" because it's that noticable now. And that was some awesome validation, because I am looking better, happier, and let me tell you my butt is definitely smaller.
I have to get this out there. If you've ever met someone who's had such a monumental impact on your life, how you feel about yourself, your confidence level, and your happiness, then you have to spread the word. I'm talking about my personal trainer. His name is Damien. And to put it overly nerdy, he is a Master Jedi of Fitness, and he uses the Force.
How he became my trainer:
I joined the YMCA in January, and asked the membership director for a recommendation. I explained I wanted someone very thoughtful, dedicated who could focus, and push me while motivating me outside my comfort zone. He named Damien Rochon-Washington. I put it in the back of my head.
One day I was trying to figure out a dumbbell snatch with my friend. Damien was the trainer on the floor for the day, and we asked him for instruction. We were goofing off a bit, and he pushed right through that. He focused me, described the movement, showed me the movement, and got me to repeat the movement. I was impressed.
I went home and googled him. The first thing that comes up is that he got the BEST PERSONAL TRAINER award for City Pages last year. The second was a video featuring him doing something called Caveman training. What's caveman training? Watch the video:
I realized that this awesome way of working out, pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone in strength cardio, agility, flexibility, balance, and overall athleticism just spoke to the inner core of my being. I figured out that he works at this other new start-up gym too that is just crazy awesome, called Evolution Group Fitness. Caveman is scary, yes, it's new, yes, it's going to be a challenge, yes, but that's when I was 100 percent determined that this is what I needed.
I walked into the Y, not having actually met this man except a little dumbbell snatch and talked to the Fitness Manager, and said "I want to buy sessions, I want them with this guy, and that's that." My determination threw this sales guy off so much that he made me have my first 'trial' workout with Damien first. People, I tell you, I knew what I wanted.
So I had my intro session, we talked a lot about my fitness goals. I instantly felt that he understood what I was looking for, wanted to do, and that he was excited to be roped into my journey with me. He taught me some new things that I was interested in learning like foam rolling, and then in the last 10 minutes, he literally kicked my ass by having me do some cardio boxing. It was so fun, and I left there so happy. On my way out, I ploped down the change for a significant amount of sessions. I couldn't wait for my first real session the following Tuesday, and it was awesome. From there I've been seeing him 1-2 times a week, and plan to continue this pattern up and through my goal.
Here is what always happens when I train with Damien:
He is always on time.
He is always focused on me.
He is always positive.
He puts my needs as the client first.
He takes his time to thoughtfully put together a workout that will challenge me on my level.
If I were to guess what goes through his mind when he puts together a workout for me, I would say he uses a thoughtful balance between exercises that he knows I can do, and understand, and other exercises that may be new, uncomfortable or hard for me.
I know he understands my focus of overall increased fitness, with the most efficient fat loss possible and he targets that goal.
He always motivates me.
He always makes me feel like a rockstar when I'm done with a training session, which really fuels rest of my week.
He is always prepared.
He is incredibly effective.
Long after I leave him when I'm doing Zumba, I'm at Bodyflow, when I'm doing his exercises at home, his voice is in my head, motivating the hell out of me.
Example of my One Hour Training with Damien
I walk into the room, and it's already set up ready to go. I see the Battle Rope laid out, ready to go, the mat, foam roller, and about 6 different setups of exercises, 4 of which I'd never done before. This should be fun!
We usually start a session with some form of warm up cardio like boxing or intervals with the ropes. This gets my heart up, and keeps my body working throughout or session.
From there we do my foundational exercises which include foam rolling, stretching, balance exercises, floor exercises, pilates, resistance bands. We target all the areas specific to my needs like balance, flexibility, agility, and muscle recovery.
Then the fun begins. He almost always has an interval circuit setup in my session.
Today's circuit went like this:
The rule for each exercise is as many as you can do safely in the time allotted.
30 seconds Battle Ropes (Different battle rope exercise each time, as hard and fast as you can go)
60 seconds step ups w/dumbbell press
30 seconds Battle Ropes
60 seconds bench presses with my back on a Bosu while holding a "hip up" position.
30 seconds Battle Ropes
60 seconds Medicine Ball Slams
30 seconds Battle Ropes
60 seconds of throwing a Punching bag across the room. I may have possibly been aiming for his head at one point here (this stuff gets hard!)
30 Seconds Battle Ropes
60 seconds Kettle bell raises
30 second Battle Ropes
60 seconds Kettle Bell Sumo Squats
30 second Battle Ropes
60 seconds Dumbbell Snatches
30 seconds falling on the floor and dying
We ended with another 10 minutes of cardio boxing, building upon what he's already taught me with new moves. Nothing really pushes my cardio like boxing, and it's the perfect activity for every fitness level.
Which brings me to my main point. This man is extremely thoughtful about what he puts you through. He set up a circuit today which he knew would be challenging for me. He would not set up that same circuit, with the same intervals and expectations for any of his other clients. When he works with athletes, the workouts he give them are completely different from what he gives me. I am 100% sure that I could not have met him at a more important time in my life, nor could I have possibly picked a better person to be my trainer.
What he does with me is so awesome, that I can't leave the YMCA afterwards without 3 different people stopping me to ask questions about my training.
I don't get any kickback from this, but finally I wanted to share his information because he's affected my life so positively in such a short time, I just want to spread the love. If you are in the Twin Cities, you can find him at either of these two places:
New Hope YMCA where he provides Personal Training services.
Evolution Group Fitness in Champlin where he teaches Caveman Classes for ALL fitness levels and provides Personal Training services. If anyone is interested, I'd be happy to attend a class with you (and they have free trials!)
This past week or so has been a roller coaster ride with me, filled with extreme lows and some awesome highs. Life is really just a sequence of moments that range from high to low, and what I'm changing in my life is how I react to these moments.
When my husband came home last Thursday and told me he lost his job, I was absolutely devastated. There are some, but not many things lower than having your entire financial security and family balance blown up in your face. My sorrow and anxiety were through the roof. We've been through this before, and I know we can survive it, so I wasn't worried about the health, happiness and security of my children. I know they will be fine. Frankly, I'm worried about me. We can pay for groceries, but can we pay for a gym membership? What about the personal training? What about everything else I've been putting towards myself? And my next thought was "I just want to go for a run."
Wait. Hold up a second. Did I just say I want to go for a run? Yes, that's what I said, and I truly meant it. I was so stressed out, all I could think about was going for a run. I'm not even a good runner, I can't even run for more than a minute. I just wanted to. On top of that, I had no appetite. I just wanted to feel some release of endorphins and have some time to think to myself about how I was going to handle this sitatuation.
Maybe this line of thinking makes sense to you. Maybe it doesn't. For me it was a 'wow' moment, because in my 31 years of life I cannot ever think of a time when I wanted to exercise because I was stressed out. I can think of times where I ate girlscout cookies because i was stressed out, I sat and read a book, I took a shower, gone shopping, I went to the store and pigged out on candy, chips, pizza, etc. But it has never occurred to me in my life to exercise to pick myself up. But you see I have been exercising, and I know how it feels when I'm done with a hard workout, and it feels freakin great. Somehow I made the connection that this would be a healthy and positive way to cope with my issues.
The only thing I did not do was reach for those 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that are still sitting up above the stove just collecting dust, because I didn't even want that crap. And then I opened our budget, and I found a way to keep the things I need in my life.
I have to remember how far I've come, whether it's talking about exercise, food choices, coping with stress, having a hard time conquering an obstacle. I had a hard time this week at a BodyFlow class. I did ok it the class, but it was frustrating wanting to be able to accomplish something, realizing how agile everyone else is, and how far you have to go. I have a very hard time visualizing where I want to be, because I can't actually imagine what it would be like. I have no personal reference. I see these girls doing freakin air split things, and planks, and pushups, and I can't visualize myself ever doing these things. It can be quite a desperate feeling to know you top pretty much everyone else in a class by 80 lbs. But there's only one way to change that, and it's to show up for class, to be the girl that's 80 lbs heavier, and to power through it.
But there's something to be said for a class that's just no accessible, which is why I'm so attracted to the caveman stuff, to what my trainer has been doing with me, to Zumba class, to things I can accomplish. Because they give me that sense of hope that someday I could actually run a 5 k, a half marathon, do a tough mudder, flip tires like a boss, complete a kickboxing class, play soccer with my kids, go dancing all night and look good doing it.
I had to make this picture for myself, because I can see how 25 lbs has changed me. That was in 10 weeks. 10 weeks is nothing. 10 weeks is only 1/4th of a pregnancy. Half of a semester at school. 5 paychecks. I have to think about how far I've come in 10 weeks, and how far the next 10 will bring me, and the 10 after that. I can't always think about what I will be able to accomplish someday, but what I have accomplished so far, and what new accomplishments I will make today and tomorrow, and the day after.
This Journey is a marathon (that goes forever), heck it's an IRON MAN, no it's one of those psycho 100 mile races my brother in law runs. It's never ending. This is not a sprint, and this girl needs to keep up the perseverance and have a little patience, because changes are happening.
I wanted to share a little about where I'm at. I'm not usually this embarrassed to share something like my weight. People can see what you look like. They know. It's just a number But this has been hard for me to admit. So here it is:
I started at 289.6 lbs. Yes that's a lot of weight. My starting BMI was 44, that's 4 points into the Morbidly Obese range. This is bad people.
That was 10 weeks ago. So where am I at today?
Weight: Down 25.4 Lbs
BMI: Down 3.8 points. Very close to no longer being morbidly obese
Percentage of Weight Loss: 8.77%. I'm also very close to having lost a tenth of my entire body.
Measurements:
Hips - Down 4.25 inches
Waist - Down 4 inches
Bust - Down 2.25 Inches
Thigh - Down 1.5 Inches Each
Arms - Well, I was down, and then I started working them hard, and they are bigger again. They will shrink up eventually.
I was wondering why my hip measurement was not decreasing more. I should be losing the most there by a significant amount and I couldn't figure it out. Then when I fit into an old pair of pants the other day, it dawned on me. I noticed a baggy cavern in the rear of my old jeans. All the squats, hip and core exercises really do work, because my butt is literally a few inches higher and sticking out more in the back. So I have lost there, I've just also lifted there. I'm totally down with a lifted butt.
Here's the details in a poorly transferred excel spreadsheet:
Here's a much prettier chart, showing a couple of goals that I'm going to bust through sometime this month.
I will probably do an update with charts every four weeks. I love numbers, I love charts, and I think it's fun to see the achievement written in different ways. Wednesday is my normal Weigh in morning, so I will be making my significant weight loss posts then.
Sometimes it feels like this process will take forever, but then I look at charts and numbers like these and realize I have made significant progress in 10 weeks. I can't wait to see what a whole year brings to me!
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