I'm going to be a Zumba Instructor

You read that right.  Well technically, I'm going to take Zumba Instructor Training.  After that, I would need to find a Zumba job hypothetically.   And now I'm scared. Holy crap.

Negative things that go through my head:

• I'm going to be the biggest person there
• What if I can't memorize the choreography 
• What if I suck at teaching
• What if I freeze in the middle of teaching
• What if people hate my class

Positive things that go through my head:

• I know I will be able to keep up with the Instruction classes.
• I could be an inspiration for people who are nervous about fitness
• Dancing is my cardio life, and it's the one area of working out that I excel at.
• Getting paid to workout would be fun (although honestly, it looks like about a break even if I taught one class a week)
• I've already got the CPR training
• I'm really good at making an arse out of myself, and getting other people to do it with me
• It would be awesome to say "I'm a Nurse, and a Zumba instructor."  I just think that sounds like a kick ass combo.  

When I have something big to decide, I usually make snap decisions based on my instinct, gut feeling, tenacity and determination.  And  I usually don't look back.

It dawned on me Tuesday. Hmm I wonder if I could teach Zumba.  So I just googled, and hey, what do you know, a training will be here on 9/27/13 and it's affordable.  I decided right then that I was going to do it.

Sure I asked the opinion of everyone I could, my trainer, my husband (although I did pre-coach him on what his opinion should be), friends, and I went to zumba classes Wed and Thur evening, and asked my favorite instructor Thurs Eve and they all said "YES YES YES!" so it's good to have some positive encouragement from others.  Anyway, I'm doing this.

Why Zumba and not something else?
I thought this might be a question some would ask.  Although I'm super passionate about taking the Caveman classes, and my personal training, lifting, overall fitness and all that business, it's not a natural ability for me.    I'm not saying I couldn't teach that stuff eventually if I wanted, but it's a much higher skill level.  I am still a Nurse, that's my career and where my passion lies.  Personal training and Instruction the level of Caveman are career moves, not something you do just for fun.  It takes months/years of training to perfect coordinating a group of people all doing different activities, and watching out so they don't injure themselves.

With Zumba, it's not quite the same level of skill needed to even get started, because it's dancing based on simple steps, at your level. You can get very involved, and learn lots of different types of zumba over time, and take tons of training, but I'm happy to get started with the Basic Zumba training.

I'm totally going to look like this

I'm super excited, nervous, scared and determined.  For the next couple months of my fitness journey, I think I will be very focused on the Zumba life.  Still doing my training of course, because a strong Zumba instructor is important, but I will be Zumbified  I'm going to take as many classes as I can fit in, and learn as many dances as I can to feel prepared as I can be.  Here we go...

Up all night to get Mucky

The Muckfest.  I just decided to do this less than a month ago, though I had been thinking about it for a few months.  5 miles. A dozen obstacles. I can do this. I need to do this for several reasons.

1. Multiple Sclerosis - It's awful.  But there is so much research going on right now in genetics, stem cells, and I do believe a cure, or at least a better way to delay the progress of the disease is on the way.  I am fortunate enough to only have one person in my life who is currently battling MS, but she's a mom with young children, and if I can get together with people and help make a difference by raising a few hundred dollars, that's what I am going to do.  Her daughters deserve the healthiest mother they can have.  She exercises, she does what she should to help keep the MS at bay, and not only that, she supports me in my journey.  So I want to do what I can to support her.

2. My Journey.  When I started this journey, I had in mind that some day I wanted to do one of these nifty mud runs.  I was thinking the warrior dash, a 3 mile with obstacle courses, but I didn't know if there was any way I would be ready for that this year.  That's a month out from now. I'm ready for it, because I worked hard, and even through a tough month, I persevered. I did this run which was longer. I have an end goal.  I'm going to achieve my end goal.  So I decided to challenge myself with this 5 mile obstacle course.

Piece of cake, right?

HAHAHAHAHA 

This is just the tail end of that Ski Slope

The fine print should have been 5 miles "uphill both ways" and way more than a dozen obstacles.  The run was at Trollhaugen, a ski hill in the middle of B.F.E Wisconsin.

When I say uphill both ways, obviously that's not possible, but there were a lot of uphills.  I mean a lot.  I would say 80% of the race was up and down steep hills, some long, some short, almost all with mud, rocks, and logs ready to trip you up.  

The two hardest hills:

1. Going up an extremely steep, extremely long ski slope, which was one of the first hills of the race

2. The very last hill, which was completely covered in thick mud.  It was so hard to get a grip, you had to use all of your lower body strength just to propel yourself up, and I almost had to crawl up the last bit.  Crawling in mud is fun! At one point I kept sliding, it was a bit like running on the treadmill from hell.

Our team starting to trek up mud-mountain

The Scariest Obstacle for me:

Definitely the fireman's pole.  I have a horrid fear of heights, or to be more specific, falling and breaking my ankles...or my skull.  I have fairly crappy balance, and my upper body strength is still not where I'd like it to be.  But I gripped on for dear life and took the leap.  I remember hitting the ground and going into a squat to absorb the shock, because I slid down fast.  That was one of the first places where I knew my exercise was helpful.  Landing in a proper stance and absorbing the shock was a learned instinct.  I think I need to start doing some indoor rock climbing to help me get over my fear of heights.  

The Falls:  

I may be tripping in mud, but I'm laughing about it!

I took a few.  More than a few.  One inch away from face planting  into the mud.  I probably fell a good 4-6 times near the end of the race.  But I just got up and kept going.  And I was able to laugh at myself, how do you not fall in mud pits filled with rocks and logs at the bottom? Only option, right?

Mental Toughness:

 Mental Toughness is a funny thing.  Your body can go further than your mind, the question is can you push your mind beyond what it thinks you can do?  There were a few hills that I was booking it up, and I felt myself wanting to quit, but I just kept putting my self one step ahead. Booking 230 lbs on a woman's body uphill is no easy task. When you are overcoming those mental blocks, all you can really worry about to keep yourself going is that next step, and not giving up.

Endurance:

I has it.  I did this five mile course, with obstacles, up hills, and one of my first thoughts when we were all done was "I could have gone further." I actually had more gas in my tank.

Afterthought:

I was pulling into my house after an hour and a half drive back home, and saw my neighbor's girl-friend's car with 13.1 and 26.2 stickers on the back of her car, and that was the first time I've ever though "yeah I could do a half marathon."  I don't even like running to be honest.  I like accomplishments. I like being better than I was before.  I like doing something that there was no freakin' way I could have done last year.  I like being excited to do it next year stronger and faster.  And the Tough Mudder is still on my horizon.  That's number one on my bucket list.  I figure if I can train for a half marathon, why not one with electroshock therapy and climbing? 11 months to train. No problem. 

My only sad part is I lost my timing chip on the course.   There's always next year, and there definitely will be a next year.  We signed up to do this race "casually" this year, but it might be fun to do it in the competitive group next year.  We will see what lies ahead.  A lot can change in a year, and I'm excited to see where I will be.  

Special thanks to all of my awesome donors: Anna, Mandy, Tony's mom, Kenny, Sarah, Nan, and Carole.  Special thanks to Borough in Minneapolis for donating to our team.  Twin Cities people - Check them out for some awesome eats next time you have a date night ! 

Shake it up Baby

Plateaus.  They happen.  Or what we think are plateaus happen.  A true plateau is your body holding onto your weight despite continuing current healthy eating and exercise conditions for a period of generally 6 or more weeks.

Bruce Lee is Awesome.  That's all.

On Wed, the 19th my weigh went up a few pounds, and this past Wed it came back down plus another 0.6. So You could say that for how I was losing previously this sounds like the beginning of a plateau, and it kinda feels like a plateau. I feel like my body is not changing much, and I'm not challenging myself as much compared to the rapid-fire it was going at previously.  I could wait 6 weeks to see if things keep not moving, or I could do something about it now.  I've been doing pretty much the same routine for the past three months, and it might be time to change it up.

What do we know about breaking up plateaus?  To break them you need to shake things up.  There are two major areas to do this.  Diet and Exercise.  It's really all about balancing taking in the right about of calories with balanced macro-nutrients, and keeping your body's metabolism going in the most efficient way possible.

1. Diet
• Are you eating everything you should?
• Are you eating at least 5 servings of vegetables a day, and some fruit?
• Are you writing everything down?
• Are you drinking your water?
• Are you following your plan?
2. Exercise
• Do you have an exercise plan?
• Do you stick to your plan?
• Is the exercise pushing you outside of your boundaries on a regular basis?
• Is the exercise challenging?
• How do you feel upon recovery?
• When was the last time you changed up your plan?

You could just read this picture
instead of this blog post

My Diet:

I try as best I can to eat six healthy meals a day.  I've been slacking just a little bit for the past few weeks though.  I've had more processed, wheat carbs than usual like a few chips here or some animal crackers.  I haven't been writing everything down on My Fitness Pal like I usually do.  I've also been having a few more caloric beverages, mostly coffee with creamers.  It's not much when I have it, but 50 calories here or there can add up.  But do I think this is my issue? Not really.  I generally eat healthy, whole foods like chicken, turkey, fish, veggies, fruits, brown rice, and I'm getting into sweet potatoes. That being said, I'm going to try to write everything for the next 30 days, and limit my empty drink calories to 60 a day for 6 days a week.

My Exercise:

This is where I think I to change things up.   I've been doing a pretty predictable routine for the past few months, and I think the muscle memory is setting in.  You can do lots of simple things to help kickstart the losses again.  It could be as simple as changing the time of day you exercise, the class you take, the routine you do, switching your elliptical to a treadmill or vice versa.


My current weekly routine goes like this:

Sunday: Zumba Class in Evening or Rest day if needed
Monday:  Caveman class in Evening
Tuesday: Personal Training at Noon
Wednesday:  Active Rest Day or Caveman Class at Noon
Thursday: Kickboxing or Zumba in the evening (sometimes both)
Friday: Personal Training at Noon
Saturday: If I'm off work, Caveman class in morning, if I'm working, elliptical or strength at the Y after work OR Zumba/Dance videogames after the kids go to bed.

I have some ideas to change things up.  My work schedule is going to free up my Mondays and Wednesdays starting next week, so I could look at moving my training day.  But here's what I really want to do.  I would like to give my trainer my schedule of all my open times I could exercise, a list of all the exercises I enjoy, and a list of my goals, and I want him to just tell me what to do and when.  And I'm going to do it.  Maybe he has some ideas of things that could push me further and shake things up, or a better way to schedule it out.  Here are my lists.  Now I need to go make a nerdy spreadsheet of  my schedule to gently nudge his way next week.

Exercises I either currently do or am fine/open to doing:

• Caveman classes/caveman exercises/circuit training like ropes, tires, ladders, kettlebells, TRX, etc.
• Kickboxing
• Running
• Zumba
• Free Weights (I'm not good with the machines, but I have experience with most lifts with free weights)
• Classes I'm interested in trying at the Y Bootcamp, Tabata, R.I.P.P.E.D.
• Elliptical/Cardio equipment as needed
• Dance Videogames at home
• Hope activities in small doses while my kids play: Equimpent - Resistance bands, Jump rope, Body Weight, Exercise Ball, Foam Roller
• Something else new? :) 

Fitness Goals:

• Gain Strength - Increase Muscle %
• Lower Body Fat % (duh)'
• Increased Endurance
• Full lower body ROM - "ass to grass/staying parallel" with squats, tire flips, and deadlifts.
• Increase Balance
• Increase Flexibility
• Increase running speed (and in order of goal)- Run/Walk a 5 K - Run a mile - Run a 5k

Now to convince my trainer to organize my training life, because my life right now is organized around my training.  Easier said than done!

Quitting is not an Option

Mental Toughness

It's something I hear mentioned a lot when I am working with my trainer or when I'm working at the Caveman Gym.  It's been described by the leading expert, Dr. Jim Loehr as "the ability to consistently perform towards the upper range of your talent and skill regardless of competitive circumstances" whatever that means.  A better description  is "Mental Toughness generally describes a collection of attributes that allow a person to persevere through difficult circumstances (such as difficult training or difficult competitive situations in games) and emerge without losing confidence."

My personal view of what it means to embody mental toughness is that whatever situation I'm in, however I'm feeling that day, and that time; I'm going to give everything I've got in my tank, and when that's gone, I will find some more, I won't quit, and I won't give up.

Almost every time I leave a class at the Cave-gym (Evolution Group Fitness), and almost every time I work with my trainer, I leave thinking "Wow, that was the hardest workout ever."  That will never change.  My workouts will continually be the hardest workout ever because I will push myself further, lift more, run further, and go faster. It's the only way to get stronger. This weeks workouts were especially challenging for me.

Monday evening's Caveman class started with 7 minutes of bear crawls and killers...and that was just the warm up.  The main challenge was a sprinting obstacle course of Killers/Death Marches/Dumbbell Snatches/Medicine Ball Slams/Dead Lifts/Sledgehammers.  It was a tough course.  After pushing an incredibly heavy tire across the floor and back, I couldn't catch my breath, but I kept going.  I was working out with people who are athletes, who work hard and challenge themselves, and my trainer was leading the class, and these factors push me to give my hardest and push myself further when I don't think I can possibly complete one more round of this Obstacle Sprint Course.  

Yesterday my trainer had me working outside. It was hot, humid, my allergies were going nuts,  the air didn't move, and it was oppressive. I was out of breath three minutes into some basic punches and light jogging, and we had 57 minutes to go.  57 minutes of 85 degree weather that felt line 90's.  We did what we've done a lot lately.  Balance, core and ROM exercises followed by a circuit of Battle Ropes, Weighted exercises, Sledgehammers, tire flips and running.  Several times during my workout I felt like I couldn't take one step further, or that I didn't think I could flip that tire, and that's when the mental game kicks into high gear.

The trick is finding out what works for you.  When I'm in the middle of a kick-my-ass workout, it's not thinking about my health, or the skinny jeans, or doing it for my family that does it for me.  It's much more simple and short term than that.  It's what I can tangibly achieve in the next five second.  It's picking a spot in my run, and not quitting before that no matter how I feel - just making it to that stop sign/the top of the hill/the end of the wall. It's making myself flip the tire and focusing on just this one flip, not worrying about the next one.  It's putting all my effort into it because I want to hear the "Yea, buddy" from my trainer.  I may want it to end, I could be dripping sweat, I may feel like I need to puke, but  I power through it, and I get it done.

When I'm running and I can't breath and I have my "mental monologue" going through my head, my trainer's accompanying mantras of "Purpose, Pride, Power" and "Get stronger than that" keep me going, even as we round the corner of the splash pad and the moms out there probably think we look crazy, and sweat is dripping in my eyes because it's so humid, and I feel like I can't propel another step forward, I dig in, and I make it.  

Caveman Athletes

And then at the end, what do I earn for all that hard work?  Besides a body that's getting more awesome every day in looks and physical ability, I earn pride and respect.  Pride in myself for being able to accomplish something I couldn't the week before.  Respect of my trainer, and classmates.  When someone in my class tells me I'm awesome, or that they could see how hard I was working, that means something to me.  I'm starting to grasp the concept that when I work hard, I even motivate them as much as they motivate me .  I'm not one who takes compliments well, but I'm learning.  When my trainer would say that he was proud of me, because of my low self esteem or whatever, I would brush it off as something he had to say because he's training me/or to keep me motivated, etc.  Now I think I can honestly say that I believe him.  If he says I did good, and if he says he's proud of me, I believe it, and it fuels my motivation.  

I think the most important thing to remember with mental toughness is that it starts outside of the gym.  It's worth spending some time to think about what really motivates you when you feel like you can't go any further.  Think about everything from deciding to go to the gym, choosing workout clothes, deciding how you want to workout, intensity, when to stop, when to keep going, how to keep your commitment.  Tell yourself that you are worth it, and then actually believe it.  Decide what's going to keep you going, and own it, and make that your mental toughness.  

It doesn't actually occur to me to quit, or just give up, or walk away.  And this is where having a trainer, or being in classes really is a benefit.  If I were sitting in the back of a Zumba class, and I just felt like I couldn't go on, maybe I could just walk out and not come back.  Nobody would care - they are busy getting their own workout on.  I couldn't imagine what my trainer would do if I just quit.  After developing several months of trust working with him, I know that I can accomplish anything he throws at me.  "I can't" doesn't exist when working with him, and the other Caveman instructors. I can accomplish, and I come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes I go slow, sometimes I take an extra deep breath, and sometimes it takes a little extra yelling from an instructor to get me moving, but I get it done. 

"Commit...No Excuses" - The Caveman Mantra, and I try to live it.

My Little Frienemy

I love my scale. I hate my scale.  It depends on the week.  Actually I've always loved my scale. It's a predictable friend.  I weigh in Wednesday and I'm down. I work hard, I eat clean, with maybe a few small treats throughout the week, the calories are always where they should be, and I lose weight.  I also lose inches, gain strength, energy and ability.

Well the scale didn't budge this week.  It's not quite my friend this week.  I tried to explain to him that I exercised my butt off, I even took an extra long class, I took my rest day, I ate clean besides my cheat meal, I tracked my calories, but he didn't care.  In fact, the scale went the other way to the tune of 2.8 lbs.  This is the first time since I started my journey 5.5 months ago that I have not lost weight, and it was a big gain.  And you know what?  I'm annoyed, but I don't really care.  I'm not going to go pig out on a bag of candy or chips and say that what I'm doing is useless, and it's never going to work.  Because it is working. I've still lost 52 lbs, doing the same exact things I did this past week.  It was just time for a little gain, and this week is just a blip on the radar.  And honestly, the past four previous weeks I had lost 2.75 lbs a week on average, so sometimes the scale needs to slow down a bit.

Now is the part where people might want to tell me to ignore the scale and count the inches, and it's not the number on the scale that matters.  In part, that's true....when you're down to maybe 20 lbs overweight and trying to tone up and get the right body.  But  I'm Obese, and when you are obese, that scale should be moving and it does matter.  It's the easiest metric to use at this point in the game to see your progress.  That being said, everything else matters too. I feel stronger, clothes fit better, inches are down (except my waist was up this week- I'm bloated I tell ya!), so the scale isn't everything, but it is still a factor.

Lets just get this clear though...this week, the scale is not so much a friend.

50 Pounds Down

I thought I would make it official here. I lost over 50 lbs in less than 5 months.  I started on Monday, Jan 7th at 289.6 lbs.  Yesterday morning I weighed in at 238 lbs.  In 21 weeks I have lost an average of 2.45 lbs per week.  I think it's safe to say that I know what I'm doing, and I am working with people who know what they are doing.

This is not my first weight loss rodeo, It's just my most successful one, not to mention my last one. I've always been very educated on how to eat and exercise to lose weight and get fit.  I've been into the idea of clean eating and being fit for about 6 years now since I first tried Body for Life.  I feed my kids very healthy meals, and make sure they get exercise, but it just wasn't clicking for  me.  The motivation just wasn't there. I was more and more depressed as life went on.  My joy was in my kids. I was becoming that mother who gave up on myself, and just focused on living my life through my kids.  I knew how to fix it, I just didn't have the gas to get the engine going.

That all started to change when I saw these pictures from Halloween 2012. I couldn't believe that was me. I had gotten so big in such a short amount of time, I knew I couldn't go on but I still didn't have the motivation.
Even after seeing gigantic photos of myself at Christmas, the few that I let people take, I knew something had to change.  But it took until Jan 7th for it to click. I woke up that morning and just knew I wasn't going to live this way anymore.  I went into a Weight Watchers, knowing that their program is a solid way to do things and there was no looking back.

I spent only about a month doing weight watchers when I realized I wanted more.  I wanted to really focus not just on losing weight and counting calories, but on fitness and making the right food choices.  Going to the gym and working out quickly became a priority, and I was having to skip a workout day to go to a WW meeting, with my 2 yr old in tow and getting nothing out of it.  I found My Fitness Pal and left WW.  I love tracking my calories and macros (protein/fat/fiber) on there, and it's easy.  I watch the macros and the fat melts off.

At the same time, about 8 weeks into this, I joined a gym, and found my trainer.  I knew what my goals were, and I knew I wanted something awesome and challenging, and I had researched the person to make that happen.  The cost of a Bariatric surgery would be about $25,000 out of pocket for me, and the cost of a Personal Trainer was significantly less.  So I decided that I was worth it, and I made the investment.  And it's one of the best investments I've made in my life.  I work with my trainer twice a week, I take Caveman classes 2-3 times a week, Kickboxing, Zumba and  now Running to fill in all the other spots  I'm stronger, more flexible, with more energy and ability than I've ever had in my life and it's awesome.

 I'm the one putting in all of the hard work.  I'm the one who sweats more than you'd think a girl should be able to.  I am the one making this happen.  That being said, without my trainer, I absolutely know that I would not be where I'm at right now.  If it were me alone doing the elliptical 3x a week and lifting 3x a week,  sure I would be losing weight, but I would never have the ability or knowledge to push myself like I do now.  I would not have the variety of activities that I do now. I would not have the confidence I have now. And I know the ability to continually shake my boundaries, and to never do the same workout twice are what is making my body shape the way it is, and the weight fall off as fast as it is.  The only memory my muscles ever gain is that when they my trainer walk into the room, they know they are going to be exhausted 60 minutes later.  

I don't know how to explain the mindset and continued motivation I have right now.  I keep almost expecting myself to lose it, have days where I don't want to go to the gym in a row, and just munch on some doritos.   I don't know if it's the fact that I've been doing this so consistently now, but nothing is shaking me. Nothing.  I don't even understand where all this willpower is coming from.  The only thing that really explains it is that I like it.  I like the food I'm eating, it makes me feel good, gives me energy, makes my skin clear and fills me up.  The exercise is fun. It's hard. It's humbling. It's made me cry, and get frustrated and angry.  Yet, I am always excited to go to the gym.  I literally cannot recall any time in history that I have EVER been excited to go to the gym, but now I can't even think of a time in the last 4 months that I have not been excited to go to the gym and work on myself.  It's weird, I can't think of a better way to explain it...just weird, and awesome.  

I did buy myself the necklace that I wanted for myself, and in perfect timing, it showed up in the mail yesterday.  I'm proud to have lost 50 lbs, and I'm proud to push myself cavegirl style, and I'm pushing on to my next goals and to continued health and increased fitness.  

Running is hard

 I've made a few milestones in the last 5 months I've been doing this. 5 lbs. 10 lbs. 5% 20 lbs. 25 lbs. 10% Not being Morbidly obese anymore. 30 lbs. 40 lbs. Losing a 5 year old's weight,. And they have all been fine, and I've felt ok about each of them.  I was never super ecstatic really. I never really felt like "wow, good job Erica."  I just hit the goal, and kept going.  

50 feels different, and my emotional baggage this week has been apparent, and my theory is it's all related to hitting this number.  Why 50?  Why do I feel like that is something that's ok to say "Alright girl, yeah, you're kinda a bad ass."  Today in my personal training we did the usual mixed bag of exercises, followed by an ass kicking.   We did 2 minute intervals, and I just don't know how to explain it unless you've done it.  Two minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's not about doing two minutes of exercise, it's about pushing yourself as hard as you can for two minutes and if you are pushing yourself right, it's literally the hardest two minutes of exercise ever, each time.  I can do Zumba classes all day long, but 2 minute caveman intervals will drive me to the edge.  

I started with 2 minutes of Battle Ropes, and in the middle of the ropes I felt so weak. I took one deep breath and quit worrying about how I was going to keep going, and I got through it, pushing, no stopping, even if my waves at the end were the sad little step-children of the waves I started with.

After that, some other normal exercises, all pretty difficult.  Finally, I had the choice for my last exercise.  Two minutes medicine ball slams or two minutes flipping tires, and I chose tires. My muscles were fatigued, and I still chose the exercise that I knew would be harder.  Both exercises are really about moving your body weight around with a compound movement, except a tire is a heck of a lot heavier than a medicine ball.  

And that was really the hardest two minutes.  My muscles were fatigued, I could feel everything in my thighs with each lift, and it just about made me fall over.  Except it wasn't the hardest exercise, because immediately after, we had to run just half way around the building.  I mean sure it's a good sized building, but anyone can run halfway around a building, right?  And I just about died.  I know that if my warmup was "run halfway around the building" that would be no problem, but doing it at the end when you've already given 100% of what you have was hard.  The hardest.

And it wasn't the run that was hard.  That's fine.  I'm there to do hard exercise.  It's the fact that that run was hard that affected me so much.  I want to be further than I am. I want to do everything that I can possibly do.  to make myself better. I want to feel worthy of buying myself a little kettlebell necklace that says "Cavegirl," that says I've beaten 50 lbs.  I want to have earned those 50 lbs, and feel like I've made true progress.  And sometimes, even with the data there, I don't see it.  Even though  the first time I did 2 minutes of straight tire flips it was 7 flips, and this time it was 16, I don't always feel like I'm getting there.

When I think about how I can't even run around half a building without feeling like I'm going to keel over, I can get so down on myself.  I don't feel worthy of feeling like the fitness badass I actually am.  I couldn't even talk to my trainer today about it, because I almost broke down into tears at least 3 times trying to explain that I suck at running and it sucks that I suck, and how I just don't always feel worthy of what I'm doing.  I know it will change, but the process is quite difficult.  

What I really need to remember is that if this was anyone else that I knew doing this... if some chick were working extra hours just to pay to get her ass busted on a daily basis, to focus everything on hitting that goal, to lose almost 50 lbs in almost 5 months by making sacrifice, committing, and having no excuses...I would be in absolute awe of how awesome she is.  So there it is. I just need to look at me from the outside in, and be in absolute awe of how freakin' awesome I am.  And when I do lose 50 lbs, I need to be proud of what I have achieved.  Because I'm pretty freakin' kick ass.