Running is hard

 I've made a few milestones in the last 5 months I've been doing this. 5 lbs. 10 lbs. 5% 20 lbs. 25 lbs. 10% Not being Morbidly obese anymore. 30 lbs. 40 lbs. Losing a 5 year old's weight,. And they have all been fine, and I've felt ok about each of them.  I was never super ecstatic really. I never really felt like "wow, good job Erica."  I just hit the goal, and kept going.  

50 feels different, and my emotional baggage this week has been apparent, and my theory is it's all related to hitting this number.  Why 50?  Why do I feel like that is something that's ok to say "Alright girl, yeah, you're kinda a bad ass."  Today in my personal training we did the usual mixed bag of exercises, followed by an ass kicking.   We did 2 minute intervals, and I just don't know how to explain it unless you've done it.  Two minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's not about doing two minutes of exercise, it's about pushing yourself as hard as you can for two minutes and if you are pushing yourself right, it's literally the hardest two minutes of exercise ever, each time.  I can do Zumba classes all day long, but 2 minute caveman intervals will drive me to the edge.  

I started with 2 minutes of Battle Ropes, and in the middle of the ropes I felt so weak. I took one deep breath and quit worrying about how I was going to keep going, and I got through it, pushing, no stopping, even if my waves at the end were the sad little step-children of the waves I started with.

After that, some other normal exercises, all pretty difficult.  Finally, I had the choice for my last exercise.  Two minutes medicine ball slams or two minutes flipping tires, and I chose tires. My muscles were fatigued, and I still chose the exercise that I knew would be harder.  Both exercises are really about moving your body weight around with a compound movement, except a tire is a heck of a lot heavier than a medicine ball.  

And that was really the hardest two minutes.  My muscles were fatigued, I could feel everything in my thighs with each lift, and it just about made me fall over.  Except it wasn't the hardest exercise, because immediately after, we had to run just half way around the building.  I mean sure it's a good sized building, but anyone can run halfway around a building, right?  And I just about died.  I know that if my warmup was "run halfway around the building" that would be no problem, but doing it at the end when you've already given 100% of what you have was hard.  The hardest.

And it wasn't the run that was hard.  That's fine.  I'm there to do hard exercise.  It's the fact that that run was hard that affected me so much.  I want to be further than I am. I want to do everything that I can possibly do.  to make myself better. I want to feel worthy of buying myself a little kettlebell necklace that says "Cavegirl," that says I've beaten 50 lbs.  I want to have earned those 50 lbs, and feel like I've made true progress.  And sometimes, even with the data there, I don't see it.  Even though  the first time I did 2 minutes of straight tire flips it was 7 flips, and this time it was 16, I don't always feel like I'm getting there.

When I think about how I can't even run around half a building without feeling like I'm going to keel over, I can get so down on myself.  I don't feel worthy of feeling like the fitness badass I actually am.  I couldn't even talk to my trainer today about it, because I almost broke down into tears at least 3 times trying to explain that I suck at running and it sucks that I suck, and how I just don't always feel worthy of what I'm doing.  I know it will change, but the process is quite difficult.  

What I really need to remember is that if this was anyone else that I knew doing this... if some chick were working extra hours just to pay to get her ass busted on a daily basis, to focus everything on hitting that goal, to lose almost 50 lbs in almost 5 months by making sacrifice, committing, and having no excuses...I would be in absolute awe of how awesome she is.  So there it is. I just need to look at me from the outside in, and be in absolute awe of how freakin' awesome I am.  And when I do lose 50 lbs, I need to be proud of what I have achieved.  Because I'm pretty freakin' kick ass.  

Trusting the Process

Scale obsession.  I like to pretend I don't have it, but I do have it.  I like to say things like the numbers on the scale don't matter to me, but they do matter to me.  In this incredibly long process, with this much weight to lose, sometimes it's hard to believe I have changed at all.  I look in the mirror, and I don't see a difference.  I workout so much, but somedays I don't feel any stronger even though that's ridiculous. Logically speaking (Vulcan style), I know I'm stronger.  I get so neurotic about it though, because when I can't see changes in myself, the only thing that I can trust is measurable outcomes.  Things like "how do my clothes fit, how much deeper can I squat, how far can I run, what are my measurements, but most glaringly obvious, and easy to measure is 'HOW MUCH DO I WEIGH?'

 I have this pattern of officially "Weighing in Wednesday", and then not watching my salt AS much Wed/Thurs/Fri, and then maybe I will have a special treat on Sat, like this last saturday I had some bar food at the Kickboxing fight I went to, and then I wake up on Sunday and the scale is up 5-6 lbs from last Wed.

Then EVEN though I know it's just related to salt and water retention, I start to question everything, and get into negative thinking;

• Am I eating the right foods? 
• I took a day off of exercising, is that ok? 
• I didn't exercise as intensely that day, so did I even make any progress?  
• I'm not going to lose weight this week. 
•  I want to get to 50 lbs so bad, and I know my body is going to plateau here.  
• Am I ever going to look anything other than how I look right now?

Then the re-affirmations come.  Because I know better. I take pictures for a reason. I can see the difference. I can feel the difference. I know I can do this.  And the only way to win this fight is to be positive. So I tell myself;

• Yes you are doing good
• It's ok to only do 1/2 an hour of exercise some days
• It's ok to miss one day a week
• You did eat healthy this week, yes you had bar food but you were still only at 2500 calories that day, and that's not going to change anything, etc.
• Dang girl, did you see those pictures?
• Your butt is looking great! 

In training yesterday as my trainer is kicking my ass and sweat is pouring off of me, I said "I'm not going to lose any weight this week, and I'm going to even gain, I know it." He asked why, and I said "I just know it, some weeks women don't lose weight. It's our bodies. I just don't feel like I will. The scale is still up."  And I'm pretty sure he looked at me like I was certifiable, because even if I don't always believe how hard I'm working, other people know it and see it.

Apparently I was certifiable, because I was down another 2.2 lbs, for a total of 48.8 lbs.  Yes, that means I'm 1.2 lbs away from 50, and do you know what the first thing I said to myself was?  "Don't get set on getting there next week, it might take two weeks. You probably won't lose 1.2 lbs in one week here."  Well I might not, but actually, I probably will.  Of course it's ok if I don't get it done this week, but it's also very possible.  It's possible that I could hit 50 lbs, which yes, is just a number, but it's a significant number that I've been looking forward to for a while.  AND if I hit it next week, that would be pretty darn epic.

The point is I need to trust my process.  It's real simple. There's no special gimmic or trick.  Exercise 6-7 days a week, eat clean, occasionally cheat = lose weight and get fit, and stay happy.  And the process is working.

I've lost a 5 year old!

I had this significant goal in my head, that I wanted to lose my eldest son in weight and then take a picture next to him....

That happened this week.  I'm down 2.8 lbs this week, which is incredible seeing the amount of junk food I've been presented in the past 5 days.  Then again, maybe not so incredible given the amount of junk food I've refused.  I was offered papa murphy's pizza Friday, Hot dogs/cup cake/beer Saturday, Pizza sunday, Pizza Monday, Pizza, Pie and Angel food, cake and chocolate nut clusters last night.  Since Pizza is my kryptonite, this was all especially hard for me.  BUT I did not turn it all down, which I feel makes me stronger.
With each of these decisions, I really try to think about if this is something I really want, can control myself with and am ok eating.  I chose some Pizza Monday for Oliver's birthday.  Before I take that bite of a trigger food, like pizza I have to think through it, because if I didn't, I could very easily just mindlessly eat through a large quantity of pizza.  I look up the calories, I calculate how much I want to spend, and I try to stick to that.  If I'm still hungry after, I chug some water, eat some veggies or fruit and move on.

I'm not always perfect though.  After my son's birthday party on Saturday, I'm exhausted, and hungry, I decided I was going to eat a cupcake.  One little cupcake sounds good, right?  So I did.  After that cupcake, without thinking, I just grabbed a second cupcake...and I ate it.  2 cupcakes is not the end of the world.  The fact that I didn't even think about what I was doing until after was the scary part. From there I made good decisions.  I looked up the calories, 290 each, 580 total.  I wrote it down in my fitness pal, and I moved on.  There's no point in dwelling in mistakes and making it worse.  Just recognize what happened, write it down, move on.  And it's not really even bad to eat two cupcakes once in a while.  Where I get upset is that I can just shove food in my mouth and not even think about it.

Along with my two cupcake splurge, my portion of pizza and a slice of angel food cake, I also made lots of great choices this week like turkey-veggie meatloaf, apricots galore, strawberries, cucumbers, salads, rotisserie chicken, greek yogurt and seven days of exercises, and it shows.

Down 2.8 lbs, and 46.6 lbs total this week.  Here's my new favorite picture of me standing next to my 44 lb - 5 year old right before his Star Wars birthday party.  I've lost his 44 lbs, plus two (heck, plus that Emperor Palpatine lego figure).  Sometimes It's hard to "see" how much I've lost, but seeing myself standing next to him makes me realize it's pretty significant.

This Cavegirl's 43 Lbs Down

I've been on this journey now for a little over four months, and as of this morning I've lost 43.8 lbs.  I'm a completely changed person.  This week I was getting so frustrated that my size 22 and 24 jeans weren't fitting right.  The waist seemed to be fitting ok, but the butt was sagging in all these jeans.  Then I tried on a size 20 pair of jeans, and realized the problem was that I didn't fit into those other sizes anymore.  

I decided to do one of those progress colleges  although I had a hard time taking an non-blurry picture yesterday.  I think you can still see a difference.

• 43 lbs down as of today.  
• 6.6 points lost  in my BMI - From 44 to 37.4, over halfway through the Obese II category.  
• 23.5 inches gone between the 5 measurements: Bust, Natural Waist, Hip, Arms, Thighs
• Estimated Body Fat % down from 55% to 45.2%

I have never lost more than 40 lbs when trying to lose weight before, and there's no sign of me quitting, giving up, or losing hope,  This is happening.  When I've tried before, I've lifted, I've done my elliptical, I knew how do it, but I wasn't passionate about it.  I'm passionate about what I'm doing now. I've never felt more awesome about myself in my life than when I'm exercising, and pushing myself to do something outside my comfort zones.   I used to have to drag myself to the gym and I would find excuses to skip, now I count the hours until it's time to go to the gym and find excuses to go more.  But can you blame me with a setup like this?

Almost every time I go to training, or a go to a Caveman class, I try something new.  I have at least one new breakthrough every week.  Last Tuesday, I was having a bad day and I could hardly make myself flip that tire.  This Tuesday I was able to do 10 flips in a row in a pretty fast amount of time.  Last week I almost fell off that red step on the right of the picture.  Today, I was hovering on one foot up on that step for 30 seconds+.  I'm addicted to improving myself physically  and while I'm busy focusing on these new physical challenges, the rest of my body is busy shrinking away.

I'm starting to refer to myself as a Cavegirl sometimes, because I'm really starting to feel like a total bad ass down to my core.  I can flip tires, I can throw down sledgehammers,  I can sprint, I can jump on a moving treadmill, I can swing battle ropes,  I can do 150 reps of shoulder presses at 30 lbs within an hour.  I might not be able to do 60 lbs, but it's not that number that matters. It's pushing yourself, and not giving up.  It's when your trainer tells you "I'm not going to lower your weight even though you are struggling" and you go beyond trying your hardest to push through those reps.  And not because he said he's not going to lower the weight, but because you don't want him to lower the weight.