Highs and Lows, Before and Current

This past week or so has been a roller coaster ride with me, filled with extreme lows and some awesome highs.   Life is really just a sequence of moments that range from high to low, and what I'm changing in my life is how I react to these moments.

When my husband came home last Thursday and told me he lost his job, I was absolutely devastated.  There are some, but not many things lower than having your entire financial security and family balance blown up in your face.  My sorrow and anxiety were through the roof.  We've been through this before, and I know we can survive it, so I wasn't worried about the health, happiness and security of my children.  I know they will be fine.  Frankly, I'm worried about me.  We can pay for groceries, but can we pay for a gym membership?   What about the personal training?  What about everything else I've been putting towards myself?  And my next thought was "I just want to go for a run."

Wait. Hold up a second.  Did I just say I want to go for a run?  Yes, that's what I said, and I truly meant it.  I was so stressed out, all I could think about was going for a run. I'm not even a good runner, I can't even run for more than a minute.  I just wanted to.   On top of that, I had no appetite.  I just wanted to feel some release of endorphins and have some time to think to myself about how I was going to handle this sitatuation.

Maybe this line of thinking makes sense to you.  Maybe it doesn't.  For me it was a 'wow' moment, because in my 31 years of life I cannot ever think of a time when I wanted to exercise because I was stressed out.  I can think of times where I ate girlscout cookies because i was stressed out, I sat and read a book, I took a shower, gone shopping, I went to the store and pigged out on candy, chips, pizza, etc.  But it has never occurred to me in my life to exercise to pick myself up.  But you see I have been exercising, and I know how it feels when I'm done with a hard workout, and it feels freakin great.  Somehow I made the connection that this would be a healthy and positive way to cope with my issues.

The only thing I did not do was reach for those 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that are still sitting up above the stove just collecting dust, because I didn't even want that crap.  And then I opened our budget, and I found a way to keep the things I need in my life.

 I have to remember how far I've come, whether it's talking about exercise, food choices, coping with stress, having a hard time conquering an obstacle.  I had a hard time this week at a BodyFlow class.  I did ok it the class, but it was frustrating wanting to be able to accomplish something, realizing how agile everyone else is, and how far you have to go.  I have a very hard time visualizing where I want to be, because I can't actually imagine what it would be like. I have no personal reference.  I see these girls doing freakin air split things, and planks, and pushups, and I can't visualize myself ever doing these things.  It can be quite a desperate feeling to know you top pretty much everyone else in a class by 80 lbs.  But there's only one way to change that, and it's to show up for class, to be the girl that's 80 lbs heavier, and to power through it.

But there's something to be said for a class that's just no accessible, which is why I'm so attracted to the caveman stuff, to what my trainer has been doing with me, to Zumba class, to things I can accomplish.  Because they give me that sense of hope that someday I could actually run a 5 k, a half marathon, do a tough mudder, flip tires like a boss, complete a kickboxing class, play soccer with my kids, go dancing all night and look good doing it.

 I had to make this picture for myself, because I can see how 25 lbs has changed me.  That was in 10 weeks. 10 weeks is nothing.  10 weeks is only 1/4th of a pregnancy.  Half of a semester at school.  5 paychecks.  I have to think about how far I've come in 10 weeks, and how far the next 10 will bring me, and the 10 after that. I can't always think about what I will be able to accomplish someday, but what I have accomplished so far, and what new accomplishments I will make today and tomorrow, and the day after.

This Journey is a marathon (that goes forever), heck it's an IRON MAN, no it's one of those psycho 100 mile races my brother in law runs. It's never ending.  This is not a sprint, and this girl needs to keep up the perseverance and have a little patience, because changes are happening.

The Nitty Gritty Numbers

I wanted to share a little about where I'm at.  I'm not usually this embarrassed to share something like my weight.  People can see what you look like. They know.  It's just a number  But this has been hard for me to admit.  So here it is:

I started at 289.6 lbs. Yes that's a lot of weight.  My starting BMI was 44, that's 4 points into the Morbidly Obese range.  This is bad people.

That was 10 weeks ago.  So where am I at today?

• Weight: Down 25.4 Lbs
• BMI: Down 3.8 points.  Very close to no longer being morbidly obese
• Percentage of Weight Loss: 8.77%.  I'm also very close to having lost a tenth of my entire body.  
• Measurements:
• Hips - Down 4.25 inches
• Waist - Down 4 inches
• Bust - Down 2.25 Inches
• Thigh - Down 1.5 Inches Each
• Arms - Well, I was down, and then I started working them hard, and they are bigger again.  They will shrink up eventually.

 I was wondering why my hip measurement was not decreasing more.  I should be losing the most there by a significant amount and I couldn't figure it out.  Then when I fit into an old pair of pants the other day, it dawned on me.  I noticed a baggy cavern in the rear of my old jeans.  All the squats, hip and core exercises really do work, because my butt is literally a few inches higher and sticking out more in the back.  So I have lost there, I've just also lifted there.  I'm totally down with a lifted butt.   

Here's the details in a poorly transferred excel spreadsheet:

Here's a much prettier chart, showing a couple of goals that I'm going to bust through sometime this month.  

I will probably do an update with charts every four weeks.  I love numbers, I love charts, and I think it's fun to see the achievement written in different ways.  Wednesday is my normal Weigh in morning, so I will be making my significant weight loss posts then.

Sometimes it feels like this process will take forever, but then I look at charts and numbers like these and realize I have made significant progress in 10 weeks.  I can't wait to see what a whole year brings to me!

When am I going to want a dang Shamrock Shake?

It was important for me starting this journey to allow for treats now and then.  I told myself that when I get a craving to think about what my body is saying and act accordingly.  Do I really want some chocolate, than measure it out and eat it.  It's ok in moderation when you want it.  And I did do that here and there for a while.

I just never expected to not want it.  I slowly weaned myself off Diet Coke without even trying, and since then my sweet tooth has become almost non-existant.  I am allowing myself diet coke if I go out to eat, which is rare.  I finally had one last Wednesday, and I only got three hours of sleep.  Thanks Diet coke.  I never had that problem before.  Times are changing.

However there's one sweet that I knew I would want, that I freak out over every March. It's the shamrock shake.  I've always loved the sweet combination of mint and ice cream, or well mint and anything.  Or ice cream and anything for that matter.  I prepared myself and said "Erica, you are allowed to have one, but make sure it's when you really want it.  If your body tells you that you're craving it, get it."  The weird thing is that today is St. Patrick's day, and my body has said no such thing.  I suppose I have until the end of  March,   but otherwise there's always next year, right?


This is just one of many small, strange things for me.  I still have 3 mostly full boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my cupboard. I'm talking Samoas and Thin Mints people.  You know how crazy that is, right?

I passed by the Easter aisle at the store the other day, and I was panicked I would have a moment, and then I looked, and it all looked like junk to me. I even said "you can have a small treat if you want, or get a bag and share it at work" and I just didn't want to.

Is it the exercise? Is it the complete diet change?  Is it the determination? The fear of going back?

Is it all of these things combined into one girl making a lot of changes? I think so, but seriously I almost want to want a shamrock shake just to know that I'm still myself.  This can't be normal.

Either way, Happy St. Patty's Day from a girl who's going to be eating some corned beef tonight and looking like a balloon tomorrow.

Self Doubt

I really try to come off as a positive and gung-ho about fitness person, and I am. I am truly passionate about the changes I have, and am continuing to make in my life.  But sometimes, that voice comes in.

It happened a couple times today in my training session, and that's ok.  One of my goals with training is to be pushed further than I think I can be pushed, so the natural response to that is to resist the push.  If someone tells you you can do something that you don't possibly think you can do, you might have a gut reaction of resisting that action.  And sometimes I do.

Today during my training session, my trainer stepped it up a notch, or maybe 10, I'm not sure.  I had two major moments of self doubt, and here is how I handled them:

1. He sent me through a series of ropes mixed with other activities in mini circuits.  The first was "Do battle ropes 25 times, do a medicine ball slam 5 times, repeat 3 times."  I gave the medicine ball the side eye, because my initial gut was an internal whine of "OMIGAHRD that sounds hard!" And he caught it, and I know he knew what I was thinking, so he asked  "What are you thinking?"  And that's when I made the snap decision to re-frame my thinking.  I know that I can do this, and he thinks I can do this, and he wouldn't have me do it if I couldn't.  Really the great thing about the ropes is that they are on your level. You push yourself to go as fast and as high as YOU can.  This is why I love free resistance exercises as opposed to a machine, because you aren't limiting yourself to 12 reps of whatever you put on that machine.  You're limiting yourself only to the  limitations you are willing to break through.  I digress.  The point is, when he asked "What are you thinking" I said "I'm going to make that ball my bitch."  and I did, well to my personal extent.

2.  At the end 55 minutes of working me fairly hard, he says "Do you know what a Tabata is?"  Oh yes, I know.  20 seconds on, 10 seconds off working at your 11, as hard as you can possibly work without going any further. So he's going to have me do Tabata rounds for 5 minutes.  5 Minutes people.  ON THE ROPES.  Now doing 30 seconds of any rope exercise kicks my ass right now, so the thought of doing 5 minutes with 10 second breaks seems impossible.  But I said "oooookkkkkk! Let's go!"  What I was really thinking is 'This guy is crazy if he thinks I can do this, but I'm not going to say no, and I'm just going to try as hard as I can for as long as I can."  I was talking myself into positive thinking.  I know that as long as I give it my all,  then whatever happens happens.  And I gave it my all.  Here's a general break out of how it went in my head.  I couldn't actually talk or whine, because I was out of breath:

20 seconds: Not to bad, Recover
20 seconds, owwie, how many more times can I do this? Recover
20 seconds, I can't do this for 5 minutes. Recover
20 seconds: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 18. 19. Shit, did he just say 10?  Recover
20 seconds: OMFG  Recover: Breathe through your nose.
20 seconds: Each rep is one "1. 1. 1. 1. Just do this rep, and you can do it."
And it kept going for what felt like far too long, like it would never end, until we got to one minute left, and then it really changed.
20 seconds: Only 3 of these left, I can do this. Recover
20 seconds: Only 2 of these left, YOU CAN DO THIS GIRL. This is so small compared to what you've already done:  Recover. This is your last recover, breathe through your nose.
20 seconds: Hit it, with all you got, get it done.  Recover: I just did that.
 
I did it. 20 seconds at a time. As hard as I could.  I felt like I would never get to the end.  Every 20 seconds seemed like the hardest 20 seconds I could possibly physically push myself.  And I did it.

I know right now that I'm flying high in this journey. I had a great day after my workout, and I know it's because of how I felt, and how awesome  it was for me to accomplish.  However, there will come a day, where I'm stuck in the middle, and it seems like this journey will never get to a goal.  I will have to re-frame my mindset.  I will have to think about that rep, that day, that meal, that plan to exercise, that lack of motivation, and tell myself 'I can do this,'  One rep or one step at a time.

About my diet

"Get fit in the gym, Lose weight in the kitchen"  That's the saying.
Here's another: "You go to the gym 1 hour a day, but what counts is what you do with the other 23."  They have a very valid point.

I can do all the cardio/zumba/training I want, but nobody's going to see these muscles unless I get rid of what's on top of them.

Food trends come and go all the time, but the one that's stuck around for a while now and is gaining some more mainstream attention is the "feed your body to feed your muscle, fuel your fat burn." What this essentially means is that you should be eating 6 meals a day of whole, healthy foods.  For me, because I'm trying to build muscle along with burning fat, I try to spend a lot of my calories on protein, about 30% of my entire diet.  I eat about 1600 calories a day minimum, even more if I have a hard workout, or I'm extra hungry.  The important thing to focus on is making the most right choices, so that you feel full and satisfied throughout the day.  You aren't going to eat perfect every minute of every day, but strive to eat the most whole, healthy foods you can.

For the curiosity of others who have asked, here would be a very typical day for me.

Breakfast: At least a cup of veggies, probably more, sauteed in a tsp of olive oil , mixed with 2 eggs, and 3 egg whites.

Snack 1: Either a protein shake with a serving of fruit (a banana, or a cup of cherries) OR a lara bar (which is a fruit and nut bar, basically, but a little carbfilled.  These are good for when I'm doing my 'mom on the go' thing.

Lunch:  Possible choices; Leftovers. A Tilapia filet with a half a cup of quinoa, and some steamed asparagus with olive oil.  Chicken with oven roasted green beans with olive oil.

Snack 2: Possibly something carby, like a serving of a baked chip with some salsa paired with a cheese stick.

Dinner: Turkey meatloaf with veggies and sweet potato tots or a Chicken bake with broccoli.  I do try to get a sensible, lean meat, a carb, and a veggie on the table for my family.  Tonight I'm doing a potroast!

Snack 3: Greek Yogurt or maybe some veggie sticks with hummus (or both if I'm hungry).  If I'm still hungry, I go for a bag of popcorn.

As for cheats, I have something once in a while.  Saturday night my husband and I split a bacon cheeseburger with fries and had a few beers. It was divine and delicious, but I stopped there.  The next day I was right back on track, feeling happy and not deprived.  But that was even a change, splitting a burger with my husband? That's a first of hopefully many wise portion choices.

Over 20

I lost 2 lbs this week, bringing my total to 20.6.  It's was also on my 2 month anniversary of starting, so I will take that.  10 lbs a month for two months sounds good to me.

And now on to Positive Erica:

 I should let people know that I use the term Morbidly Obese, not as a put down to myself, but as a descriptor.  It's a fact, I'm morbidly obese.  My current BMI is 40.9, I lose one point and I'm only Level 2 Obesity, and to lose that one point is 6.4 lbs.  I like facts. I'm a nurse, and I like medical terms and medically speaking I'm Morbidly Obese.  It's something I want to change, and that's why I'm here.

 
I think there's a special spot in the hearts of confident, encouraging people for a Morbidly Obese Chick busting her ass. Let's say you're at the gym and you see the girl that's 270 lbs just hitting it on the treadmill, doing weights, body pump, or putting all of her effort plus more into battle ropes.  Let's say you've thought to yourself before "Gee, I don't know if I can do that thing?," and then you see me doing it.  Then you might think to yourself "I can do that!"  That's fine with me, in fact that makes me happy.  I'm 100% ok being the poster child for motivation and determination when it comes to physical fitness. In fact, I love when I influence others to push their boundaries, and I love teaching and encouraging ways for others to expand their base.

I see people stare at me at the gym (because who doesn't stare at people at the gym), and I am just going to assume they are thinking "Damn, look at what that girl is doing. I should try that."

Some ways I've influenced friends:

• I taught one friend a basic arm circuit (Transformation style).
• I taught another friend how to foam roll.
• I've gotten 5 different people to Zumba classes who have never tried it before.
• I got a coworker to try some yoga positions during some downtime at work.

Ways others have influenced me:

• The guy at the gym who corrected my squat positioning   Thank you!  I will always accept knowledge from those willing to share.
• People, mostly online, sharing personal stories of weight loss, food diaries, and ways that they have made it work.
• All of my friends who have encouraged me, said they were impressed by me, motivated by me, and love seeing me at the gym, etc.  Every time I get a compliment on my effort, it feels great.  I love the positive effect my positive effort has on others, and their positive response makes me more positive. It's like a giant, happy positive circle of love, and I do. Love it.

I love having friends in this game with me. I see a body like your house, or your temple if you will.  No matter how long you work on it, there's always more room for improvement.

I do scare a lot of people

Today was my first day of real Personal Training.  Yes, that's right. I hired a personal trainer.  Why?  Many Reasons.

I want to push myself further than I think I am capable of pushing myself.
I want to learn new ways to exercise.
I want some accountability.
I want to improve my overall fitness.
I want new ways to strength train while still burning calories.
I want to be able to lift harder for work.
I want to be more flexible.
I want better balance.
I want to achieve my goals faster if possible.

Some people don't understand this, and that's ok.  But I know why I'm doing it, and I feel like my husband gets why I'm doing it, and the trainer gets why I'm doing it. That's all I need.  I'm no longer going to sit by and watch life pass me by.

Today in the middle of the fourth task he gave me, he said something that rang very true to me.  He said "I bet you scare a lot of people."  I knew exactly what he meant.  I like it.  I think what he means is that I motivate people. I impress people. I make people think. I intimidate people.  I surprise people.  And I can attract people who want to cut me down, but I'm having none of that.

The first thing someone should know about me is that I'm a competitive, stubborn woman and when I set my mind on something, I want to do it.  I become obsessed. I am the the thing.  I have the drive.  And I have set my mind on fitness.  The problem is that many people are unaware of what I mean when I say my mind is set on fitness.  I'm not setting my mind on x number of pounds, although at my weight, that is the biggest motivator and metric that you will see change.  I'm setting my mind on fitness.  I understand what I'm doing, and I know what works.  I have not always taken action and executed my knowledge to my fullest potential, but it is there.  Do not assume that just because I am morbidly obese (for a few more pounds), that I don't know what I'm doing, that I don't understand the correct way to lose weight, to exercise and to make this happen.

Why am I ranting about this?  Simply because not one, but TWO people told me this weekend that I was doing it wrong.  That I, the girl who's lost 20 lbs in less than 2 months is doing it wrong.   They said that I should only do cardio because there's some 'toning' involved, and that's how I burn the most calories.  I can worry about building muscle later. I was also told I don't want to look like a gross bodybuilder.   These people actually have no clue, but they assume because of my size that I am uneducated.

Fact: I started at 290 lbs. I've lost 20 so far.
Fact: I have 125 lbs to lose.
Fact: If you lose 125 lbs without frequent strength training you are going to have some problems. Big problems, they are called hanging skin.
Fact: You can do some serious strength training while pushing your cardio, especially by working in a circuit.
Fact: I burned 600 calories last time I did a 60 minute Zumba class, and I burned over 800 calories today doing 'personal training.'.  I burned 800 calories and I am going to be sore tomorrow, because I did strength training and cardio at the same time (what a concept).
Fact: Strength training does not make you into some crazy female body builder unless you are really going for that, and that's ok too - they can still look pretty damn sexy.  Strength training makes you look like Michelle Obama or a great dancer.
Fact: The scale may go up this week because I will retain water from my training, but I'm building a more fuel efficient body. A pound of muscle burns more calories than a pound of fat.  I'd take an additional pound of muscle any day, and those fat pounds will shed eventually.
Fact: If you tell me that I shouldn't work out because I will gain muscle weight, and that's bad, then I can guarantee I will not take advice.  You may know how to get skinny, but you don't know how to get fit
Fact: Strength training in intervals pushes you to increase your metabolism.  You will keep burning more calories throughout the rest of the day than you would from walking on a treadmill for 60 minutes.
Fact: This lady below is one of my inspirations, and she works out, and she lifts like a boss.  I'll take that body any day!

Yes, this was a bit of a venting post, but I feel better now!  Plus, you can't help but smile back when you end with the FLOTUS(First Lady of the United States)*!

Edit to add: The next post will show the more positive side of influencing people. I promise.  Or it might be about food.  It's anyone's guess.