Quitting is not an Option

Mental Toughness

It's something I hear mentioned a lot when I am working with my trainer or when I'm working at the Caveman Gym.  It's been described by the leading expert, Dr. Jim Loehr as "the ability to consistently perform towards the upper range of your talent and skill regardless of competitive circumstances" whatever that means.  A better description  is "Mental Toughness generally describes a collection of attributes that allow a person to persevere through difficult circumstances (such as difficult training or difficult competitive situations in games) and emerge without losing confidence."

My personal view of what it means to embody mental toughness is that whatever situation I'm in, however I'm feeling that day, and that time; I'm going to give everything I've got in my tank, and when that's gone, I will find some more, I won't quit, and I won't give up.

Almost every time I leave a class at the Cave-gym (Evolution Group Fitness), and almost every time I work with my trainer, I leave thinking "Wow, that was the hardest workout ever."  That will never change.  My workouts will continually be the hardest workout ever because I will push myself further, lift more, run further, and go faster. It's the only way to get stronger. This weeks workouts were especially challenging for me.

Monday evening's Caveman class started with 7 minutes of bear crawls and killers...and that was just the warm up.  The main challenge was a sprinting obstacle course of Killers/Death Marches/Dumbbell Snatches/Medicine Ball Slams/Dead Lifts/Sledgehammers.  It was a tough course.  After pushing an incredibly heavy tire across the floor and back, I couldn't catch my breath, but I kept going.  I was working out with people who are athletes, who work hard and challenge themselves, and my trainer was leading the class, and these factors push me to give my hardest and push myself further when I don't think I can possibly complete one more round of this Obstacle Sprint Course.  

Yesterday my trainer had me working outside. It was hot, humid, my allergies were going nuts,  the air didn't move, and it was oppressive. I was out of breath three minutes into some basic punches and light jogging, and we had 57 minutes to go.  57 minutes of 85 degree weather that felt line 90's.  We did what we've done a lot lately.  Balance, core and ROM exercises followed by a circuit of Battle Ropes, Weighted exercises, Sledgehammers, tire flips and running.  Several times during my workout I felt like I couldn't take one step further, or that I didn't think I could flip that tire, and that's when the mental game kicks into high gear.

The trick is finding out what works for you.  When I'm in the middle of a kick-my-ass workout, it's not thinking about my health, or the skinny jeans, or doing it for my family that does it for me.  It's much more simple and short term than that.  It's what I can tangibly achieve in the next five second.  It's picking a spot in my run, and not quitting before that no matter how I feel - just making it to that stop sign/the top of the hill/the end of the wall. It's making myself flip the tire and focusing on just this one flip, not worrying about the next one.  It's putting all my effort into it because I want to hear the "Yea, buddy" from my trainer.  I may want it to end, I could be dripping sweat, I may feel like I need to puke, but  I power through it, and I get it done.

When I'm running and I can't breath and I have my "mental monologue" going through my head, my trainer's accompanying mantras of "Purpose, Pride, Power" and "Get stronger than that" keep me going, even as we round the corner of the splash pad and the moms out there probably think we look crazy, and sweat is dripping in my eyes because it's so humid, and I feel like I can't propel another step forward, I dig in, and I make it.  

Caveman Athletes

And then at the end, what do I earn for all that hard work?  Besides a body that's getting more awesome every day in looks and physical ability, I earn pride and respect.  Pride in myself for being able to accomplish something I couldn't the week before.  Respect of my trainer, and classmates.  When someone in my class tells me I'm awesome, or that they could see how hard I was working, that means something to me.  I'm starting to grasp the concept that when I work hard, I even motivate them as much as they motivate me .  I'm not one who takes compliments well, but I'm learning.  When my trainer would say that he was proud of me, because of my low self esteem or whatever, I would brush it off as something he had to say because he's training me/or to keep me motivated, etc.  Now I think I can honestly say that I believe him.  If he says I did good, and if he says he's proud of me, I believe it, and it fuels my motivation.  

I think the most important thing to remember with mental toughness is that it starts outside of the gym.  It's worth spending some time to think about what really motivates you when you feel like you can't go any further.  Think about everything from deciding to go to the gym, choosing workout clothes, deciding how you want to workout, intensity, when to stop, when to keep going, how to keep your commitment.  Tell yourself that you are worth it, and then actually believe it.  Decide what's going to keep you going, and own it, and make that your mental toughness.  

It doesn't actually occur to me to quit, or just give up, or walk away.  And this is where having a trainer, or being in classes really is a benefit.  If I were sitting in the back of a Zumba class, and I just felt like I couldn't go on, maybe I could just walk out and not come back.  Nobody would care - they are busy getting their own workout on.  I couldn't imagine what my trainer would do if I just quit.  After developing several months of trust working with him, I know that I can accomplish anything he throws at me.  "I can't" doesn't exist when working with him, and the other Caveman instructors. I can accomplish, and I come out stronger on the other side. Sometimes I go slow, sometimes I take an extra deep breath, and sometimes it takes a little extra yelling from an instructor to get me moving, but I get it done. 

"Commit...No Excuses" - The Caveman Mantra, and I try to live it.

My Little Frienemy

I love my scale. I hate my scale.  It depends on the week.  Actually I've always loved my scale. It's a predictable friend.  I weigh in Wednesday and I'm down. I work hard, I eat clean, with maybe a few small treats throughout the week, the calories are always where they should be, and I lose weight.  I also lose inches, gain strength, energy and ability.

Well the scale didn't budge this week.  It's not quite my friend this week.  I tried to explain to him that I exercised my butt off, I even took an extra long class, I took my rest day, I ate clean besides my cheat meal, I tracked my calories, but he didn't care.  In fact, the scale went the other way to the tune of 2.8 lbs.  This is the first time since I started my journey 5.5 months ago that I have not lost weight, and it was a big gain.  And you know what?  I'm annoyed, but I don't really care.  I'm not going to go pig out on a bag of candy or chips and say that what I'm doing is useless, and it's never going to work.  Because it is working. I've still lost 52 lbs, doing the same exact things I did this past week.  It was just time for a little gain, and this week is just a blip on the radar.  And honestly, the past four previous weeks I had lost 2.75 lbs a week on average, so sometimes the scale needs to slow down a bit.

Now is the part where people might want to tell me to ignore the scale and count the inches, and it's not the number on the scale that matters.  In part, that's true....when you're down to maybe 20 lbs overweight and trying to tone up and get the right body.  But  I'm Obese, and when you are obese, that scale should be moving and it does matter.  It's the easiest metric to use at this point in the game to see your progress.  That being said, everything else matters too. I feel stronger, clothes fit better, inches are down (except my waist was up this week- I'm bloated I tell ya!), so the scale isn't everything, but it is still a factor.

Lets just get this clear though...this week, the scale is not so much a friend.

50 Pounds Down

I thought I would make it official here. I lost over 50 lbs in less than 5 months.  I started on Monday, Jan 7th at 289.6 lbs.  Yesterday morning I weighed in at 238 lbs.  In 21 weeks I have lost an average of 2.45 lbs per week.  I think it's safe to say that I know what I'm doing, and I am working with people who know what they are doing.

This is not my first weight loss rodeo, It's just my most successful one, not to mention my last one. I've always been very educated on how to eat and exercise to lose weight and get fit.  I've been into the idea of clean eating and being fit for about 6 years now since I first tried Body for Life.  I feed my kids very healthy meals, and make sure they get exercise, but it just wasn't clicking for  me.  The motivation just wasn't there. I was more and more depressed as life went on.  My joy was in my kids. I was becoming that mother who gave up on myself, and just focused on living my life through my kids.  I knew how to fix it, I just didn't have the gas to get the engine going.

That all started to change when I saw these pictures from Halloween 2012. I couldn't believe that was me. I had gotten so big in such a short amount of time, I knew I couldn't go on but I still didn't have the motivation.
Even after seeing gigantic photos of myself at Christmas, the few that I let people take, I knew something had to change.  But it took until Jan 7th for it to click. I woke up that morning and just knew I wasn't going to live this way anymore.  I went into a Weight Watchers, knowing that their program is a solid way to do things and there was no looking back.

I spent only about a month doing weight watchers when I realized I wanted more.  I wanted to really focus not just on losing weight and counting calories, but on fitness and making the right food choices.  Going to the gym and working out quickly became a priority, and I was having to skip a workout day to go to a WW meeting, with my 2 yr old in tow and getting nothing out of it.  I found My Fitness Pal and left WW.  I love tracking my calories and macros (protein/fat/fiber) on there, and it's easy.  I watch the macros and the fat melts off.

At the same time, about 8 weeks into this, I joined a gym, and found my trainer.  I knew what my goals were, and I knew I wanted something awesome and challenging, and I had researched the person to make that happen.  The cost of a Bariatric surgery would be about $25,000 out of pocket for me, and the cost of a Personal Trainer was significantly less.  So I decided that I was worth it, and I made the investment.  And it's one of the best investments I've made in my life.  I work with my trainer twice a week, I take Caveman classes 2-3 times a week, Kickboxing, Zumba and  now Running to fill in all the other spots  I'm stronger, more flexible, with more energy and ability than I've ever had in my life and it's awesome.

 I'm the one putting in all of the hard work.  I'm the one who sweats more than you'd think a girl should be able to.  I am the one making this happen.  That being said, without my trainer, I absolutely know that I would not be where I'm at right now.  If it were me alone doing the elliptical 3x a week and lifting 3x a week,  sure I would be losing weight, but I would never have the ability or knowledge to push myself like I do now.  I would not have the variety of activities that I do now. I would not have the confidence I have now. And I know the ability to continually shake my boundaries, and to never do the same workout twice are what is making my body shape the way it is, and the weight fall off as fast as it is.  The only memory my muscles ever gain is that when they my trainer walk into the room, they know they are going to be exhausted 60 minutes later.  

I don't know how to explain the mindset and continued motivation I have right now.  I keep almost expecting myself to lose it, have days where I don't want to go to the gym in a row, and just munch on some doritos.   I don't know if it's the fact that I've been doing this so consistently now, but nothing is shaking me. Nothing.  I don't even understand where all this willpower is coming from.  The only thing that really explains it is that I like it.  I like the food I'm eating, it makes me feel good, gives me energy, makes my skin clear and fills me up.  The exercise is fun. It's hard. It's humbling. It's made me cry, and get frustrated and angry.  Yet, I am always excited to go to the gym.  I literally cannot recall any time in history that I have EVER been excited to go to the gym, but now I can't even think of a time in the last 4 months that I have not been excited to go to the gym and work on myself.  It's weird, I can't think of a better way to explain it...just weird, and awesome.  

I did buy myself the necklace that I wanted for myself, and in perfect timing, it showed up in the mail yesterday.  I'm proud to have lost 50 lbs, and I'm proud to push myself cavegirl style, and I'm pushing on to my next goals and to continued health and increased fitness.  

Running is hard

 I've made a few milestones in the last 5 months I've been doing this. 5 lbs. 10 lbs. 5% 20 lbs. 25 lbs. 10% Not being Morbidly obese anymore. 30 lbs. 40 lbs. Losing a 5 year old's weight,. And they have all been fine, and I've felt ok about each of them.  I was never super ecstatic really. I never really felt like "wow, good job Erica."  I just hit the goal, and kept going.  

50 feels different, and my emotional baggage this week has been apparent, and my theory is it's all related to hitting this number.  Why 50?  Why do I feel like that is something that's ok to say "Alright girl, yeah, you're kinda a bad ass."  Today in my personal training we did the usual mixed bag of exercises, followed by an ass kicking.   We did 2 minute intervals, and I just don't know how to explain it unless you've done it.  Two minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's not about doing two minutes of exercise, it's about pushing yourself as hard as you can for two minutes and if you are pushing yourself right, it's literally the hardest two minutes of exercise ever, each time.  I can do Zumba classes all day long, but 2 minute caveman intervals will drive me to the edge.  

I started with 2 minutes of Battle Ropes, and in the middle of the ropes I felt so weak. I took one deep breath and quit worrying about how I was going to keep going, and I got through it, pushing, no stopping, even if my waves at the end were the sad little step-children of the waves I started with.

After that, some other normal exercises, all pretty difficult.  Finally, I had the choice for my last exercise.  Two minutes medicine ball slams or two minutes flipping tires, and I chose tires. My muscles were fatigued, and I still chose the exercise that I knew would be harder.  Both exercises are really about moving your body weight around with a compound movement, except a tire is a heck of a lot heavier than a medicine ball.  

And that was really the hardest two minutes.  My muscles were fatigued, I could feel everything in my thighs with each lift, and it just about made me fall over.  Except it wasn't the hardest exercise, because immediately after, we had to run just half way around the building.  I mean sure it's a good sized building, but anyone can run halfway around a building, right?  And I just about died.  I know that if my warmup was "run halfway around the building" that would be no problem, but doing it at the end when you've already given 100% of what you have was hard.  The hardest.

And it wasn't the run that was hard.  That's fine.  I'm there to do hard exercise.  It's the fact that that run was hard that affected me so much.  I want to be further than I am. I want to do everything that I can possibly do.  to make myself better. I want to feel worthy of buying myself a little kettlebell necklace that says "Cavegirl," that says I've beaten 50 lbs.  I want to have earned those 50 lbs, and feel like I've made true progress.  And sometimes, even with the data there, I don't see it.  Even though  the first time I did 2 minutes of straight tire flips it was 7 flips, and this time it was 16, I don't always feel like I'm getting there.

When I think about how I can't even run around half a building without feeling like I'm going to keel over, I can get so down on myself.  I don't feel worthy of feeling like the fitness badass I actually am.  I couldn't even talk to my trainer today about it, because I almost broke down into tears at least 3 times trying to explain that I suck at running and it sucks that I suck, and how I just don't always feel worthy of what I'm doing.  I know it will change, but the process is quite difficult.  

What I really need to remember is that if this was anyone else that I knew doing this... if some chick were working extra hours just to pay to get her ass busted on a daily basis, to focus everything on hitting that goal, to lose almost 50 lbs in almost 5 months by making sacrifice, committing, and having no excuses...I would be in absolute awe of how awesome she is.  So there it is. I just need to look at me from the outside in, and be in absolute awe of how freakin' awesome I am.  And when I do lose 50 lbs, I need to be proud of what I have achieved.  Because I'm pretty freakin' kick ass.  

Trusting the Process

Scale obsession.  I like to pretend I don't have it, but I do have it.  I like to say things like the numbers on the scale don't matter to me, but they do matter to me.  In this incredibly long process, with this much weight to lose, sometimes it's hard to believe I have changed at all.  I look in the mirror, and I don't see a difference.  I workout so much, but somedays I don't feel any stronger even though that's ridiculous. Logically speaking (Vulcan style), I know I'm stronger.  I get so neurotic about it though, because when I can't see changes in myself, the only thing that I can trust is measurable outcomes.  Things like "how do my clothes fit, how much deeper can I squat, how far can I run, what are my measurements, but most glaringly obvious, and easy to measure is 'HOW MUCH DO I WEIGH?'

 I have this pattern of officially "Weighing in Wednesday", and then not watching my salt AS much Wed/Thurs/Fri, and then maybe I will have a special treat on Sat, like this last saturday I had some bar food at the Kickboxing fight I went to, and then I wake up on Sunday and the scale is up 5-6 lbs from last Wed.

Then EVEN though I know it's just related to salt and water retention, I start to question everything, and get into negative thinking;

• Am I eating the right foods? 
• I took a day off of exercising, is that ok? 
• I didn't exercise as intensely that day, so did I even make any progress?  
• I'm not going to lose weight this week. 
•  I want to get to 50 lbs so bad, and I know my body is going to plateau here.  
• Am I ever going to look anything other than how I look right now?

Then the re-affirmations come.  Because I know better. I take pictures for a reason. I can see the difference. I can feel the difference. I know I can do this.  And the only way to win this fight is to be positive. So I tell myself;

• Yes you are doing good
• It's ok to only do 1/2 an hour of exercise some days
• It's ok to miss one day a week
• You did eat healthy this week, yes you had bar food but you were still only at 2500 calories that day, and that's not going to change anything, etc.
• Dang girl, did you see those pictures?
• Your butt is looking great! 

In training yesterday as my trainer is kicking my ass and sweat is pouring off of me, I said "I'm not going to lose any weight this week, and I'm going to even gain, I know it." He asked why, and I said "I just know it, some weeks women don't lose weight. It's our bodies. I just don't feel like I will. The scale is still up."  And I'm pretty sure he looked at me like I was certifiable, because even if I don't always believe how hard I'm working, other people know it and see it.

Apparently I was certifiable, because I was down another 2.2 lbs, for a total of 48.8 lbs.  Yes, that means I'm 1.2 lbs away from 50, and do you know what the first thing I said to myself was?  "Don't get set on getting there next week, it might take two weeks. You probably won't lose 1.2 lbs in one week here."  Well I might not, but actually, I probably will.  Of course it's ok if I don't get it done this week, but it's also very possible.  It's possible that I could hit 50 lbs, which yes, is just a number, but it's a significant number that I've been looking forward to for a while.  AND if I hit it next week, that would be pretty darn epic.

The point is I need to trust my process.  It's real simple. There's no special gimmic or trick.  Exercise 6-7 days a week, eat clean, occasionally cheat = lose weight and get fit, and stay happy.  And the process is working.

I've lost a 5 year old!

I had this significant goal in my head, that I wanted to lose my eldest son in weight and then take a picture next to him....

That happened this week.  I'm down 2.8 lbs this week, which is incredible seeing the amount of junk food I've been presented in the past 5 days.  Then again, maybe not so incredible given the amount of junk food I've refused.  I was offered papa murphy's pizza Friday, Hot dogs/cup cake/beer Saturday, Pizza sunday, Pizza Monday, Pizza, Pie and Angel food, cake and chocolate nut clusters last night.  Since Pizza is my kryptonite, this was all especially hard for me.  BUT I did not turn it all down, which I feel makes me stronger.
With each of these decisions, I really try to think about if this is something I really want, can control myself with and am ok eating.  I chose some Pizza Monday for Oliver's birthday.  Before I take that bite of a trigger food, like pizza I have to think through it, because if I didn't, I could very easily just mindlessly eat through a large quantity of pizza.  I look up the calories, I calculate how much I want to spend, and I try to stick to that.  If I'm still hungry after, I chug some water, eat some veggies or fruit and move on.

I'm not always perfect though.  After my son's birthday party on Saturday, I'm exhausted, and hungry, I decided I was going to eat a cupcake.  One little cupcake sounds good, right?  So I did.  After that cupcake, without thinking, I just grabbed a second cupcake...and I ate it.  2 cupcakes is not the end of the world.  The fact that I didn't even think about what I was doing until after was the scary part. From there I made good decisions.  I looked up the calories, 290 each, 580 total.  I wrote it down in my fitness pal, and I moved on.  There's no point in dwelling in mistakes and making it worse.  Just recognize what happened, write it down, move on.  And it's not really even bad to eat two cupcakes once in a while.  Where I get upset is that I can just shove food in my mouth and not even think about it.

Along with my two cupcake splurge, my portion of pizza and a slice of angel food cake, I also made lots of great choices this week like turkey-veggie meatloaf, apricots galore, strawberries, cucumbers, salads, rotisserie chicken, greek yogurt and seven days of exercises, and it shows.

Down 2.8 lbs, and 46.6 lbs total this week.  Here's my new favorite picture of me standing next to my 44 lb - 5 year old right before his Star Wars birthday party.  I've lost his 44 lbs, plus two (heck, plus that Emperor Palpatine lego figure).  Sometimes It's hard to "see" how much I've lost, but seeing myself standing next to him makes me realize it's pretty significant.

This Cavegirl's 43 Lbs Down

I've been on this journey now for a little over four months, and as of this morning I've lost 43.8 lbs.  I'm a completely changed person.  This week I was getting so frustrated that my size 22 and 24 jeans weren't fitting right.  The waist seemed to be fitting ok, but the butt was sagging in all these jeans.  Then I tried on a size 20 pair of jeans, and realized the problem was that I didn't fit into those other sizes anymore.  

I decided to do one of those progress colleges  although I had a hard time taking an non-blurry picture yesterday.  I think you can still see a difference.

• 43 lbs down as of today.  
• 6.6 points lost  in my BMI - From 44 to 37.4, over halfway through the Obese II category.  
• 23.5 inches gone between the 5 measurements: Bust, Natural Waist, Hip, Arms, Thighs
• Estimated Body Fat % down from 55% to 45.2%

I have never lost more than 40 lbs when trying to lose weight before, and there's no sign of me quitting, giving up, or losing hope,  This is happening.  When I've tried before, I've lifted, I've done my elliptical, I knew how do it, but I wasn't passionate about it.  I'm passionate about what I'm doing now. I've never felt more awesome about myself in my life than when I'm exercising, and pushing myself to do something outside my comfort zones.   I used to have to drag myself to the gym and I would find excuses to skip, now I count the hours until it's time to go to the gym and find excuses to go more.  But can you blame me with a setup like this?

Almost every time I go to training, or a go to a Caveman class, I try something new.  I have at least one new breakthrough every week.  Last Tuesday, I was having a bad day and I could hardly make myself flip that tire.  This Tuesday I was able to do 10 flips in a row in a pretty fast amount of time.  Last week I almost fell off that red step on the right of the picture.  Today, I was hovering on one foot up on that step for 30 seconds+.  I'm addicted to improving myself physically  and while I'm busy focusing on these new physical challenges, the rest of my body is busy shrinking away.

I'm starting to refer to myself as a Cavegirl sometimes, because I'm really starting to feel like a total bad ass down to my core.  I can flip tires, I can throw down sledgehammers,  I can sprint, I can jump on a moving treadmill, I can swing battle ropes,  I can do 150 reps of shoulder presses at 30 lbs within an hour.  I might not be able to do 60 lbs, but it's not that number that matters. It's pushing yourself, and not giving up.  It's when your trainer tells you "I'm not going to lower your weight even though you are struggling" and you go beyond trying your hardest to push through those reps.  And not because he said he's not going to lower the weight, but because you don't want him to lower the weight.