50 feels different, and my emotional baggage this week has been apparent, and my theory is it's all related to hitting this number. Why 50? Why do I feel like that is something that's ok to say "Alright girl, yeah, you're kinda a bad ass." Today in my personal training we did the usual mixed bag of exercises, followed by an ass kicking. We did 2 minute intervals, and I just don't know how to explain it unless you've done it. Two minutes doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it's not about doing two minutes of exercise, it's about pushing yourself as hard as you can for two minutes and if you are pushing yourself right, it's literally the hardest two minutes of exercise ever, each time. I can do Zumba classes all day long, but 2 minute caveman intervals will drive me to the edge.
I started with 2 minutes of Battle Ropes, and in the middle of the ropes I felt so weak. I took one deep breath and quit worrying about how I was going to keep going, and I got through it, pushing, no stopping, even if my waves at the end were the sad little step-children of the waves I started with.
After that, some other normal exercises, all pretty difficult. Finally, I had the choice for my last exercise. Two minutes medicine ball slams or two minutes flipping tires, and I chose tires. My muscles were fatigued, and I still chose the exercise that I knew would be harder. Both exercises are really about moving your body weight around with a compound movement, except a tire is a heck of a lot heavier than a medicine ball.
And that was really the hardest two minutes. My muscles were fatigued, I could feel everything in my thighs with each lift, and it just about made me fall over. Except it wasn't the hardest exercise, because immediately after, we had to run just half way around the building. I mean sure it's a good sized building, but anyone can run halfway around a building, right? And I just about died. I know that if my warmup was "run halfway around the building" that would be no problem, but doing it at the end when you've already given 100% of what you have was hard. The hardest.
And it wasn't the run that was hard. That's fine. I'm there to do hard exercise. It's the fact that that run was hard that affected me so much. I want to be further than I am. I want to do everything that I can possibly do. to make myself better. I want to feel worthy of buying myself a little kettlebell necklace that says "Cavegirl," that says I've beaten 50 lbs. I want to have earned those 50 lbs, and feel like I've made true progress. And sometimes, even with the data there, I don't see it. Even though the first time I did 2 minutes of straight tire flips it was 7 flips, and this time it was 16, I don't always feel like I'm getting there.
When I think about how I can't even run around half a building without feeling like I'm going to keel over, I can get so down on myself. I don't feel worthy of feeling like the fitness badass I actually am. I couldn't even talk to my trainer today about it, because I almost broke down into tears at least 3 times trying to explain that I suck at running and it sucks that I suck, and how I just don't always feel worthy of what I'm doing. I know it will change, but the process is quite difficult.
What I really need to remember is that if this was anyone else that I knew doing this... if some chick were working extra hours just to pay to get her ass busted on a daily basis, to focus everything on hitting that goal, to lose almost 50 lbs in almost 5 months by making sacrifice, committing, and having no excuses...I would be in absolute awe of how awesome she is. So there it is. I just need to look at me from the outside in, and be in absolute awe of how freakin' awesome I am. And when I do lose 50 lbs, I need to be proud of what I have achieved. Because I'm pretty freakin' kick ass.
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