Highs and Lows, Before and Current

This past week or so has been a roller coaster ride with me, filled with extreme lows and some awesome highs.   Life is really just a sequence of moments that range from high to low, and what I'm changing in my life is how I react to these moments.

When my husband came home last Thursday and told me he lost his job, I was absolutely devastated.  There are some, but not many things lower than having your entire financial security and family balance blown up in your face.  My sorrow and anxiety were through the roof.  We've been through this before, and I know we can survive it, so I wasn't worried about the health, happiness and security of my children.  I know they will be fine.  Frankly, I'm worried about me.  We can pay for groceries, but can we pay for a gym membership?   What about the personal training?  What about everything else I've been putting towards myself?  And my next thought was "I just want to go for a run."

Wait. Hold up a second.  Did I just say I want to go for a run?  Yes, that's what I said, and I truly meant it.  I was so stressed out, all I could think about was going for a run. I'm not even a good runner, I can't even run for more than a minute.  I just wanted to.   On top of that, I had no appetite.  I just wanted to feel some release of endorphins and have some time to think to myself about how I was going to handle this sitatuation.

Maybe this line of thinking makes sense to you.  Maybe it doesn't.  For me it was a 'wow' moment, because in my 31 years of life I cannot ever think of a time when I wanted to exercise because I was stressed out.  I can think of times where I ate girlscout cookies because i was stressed out, I sat and read a book, I took a shower, gone shopping, I went to the store and pigged out on candy, chips, pizza, etc.  But it has never occurred to me in my life to exercise to pick myself up.  But you see I have been exercising, and I know how it feels when I'm done with a hard workout, and it feels freakin great.  Somehow I made the connection that this would be a healthy and positive way to cope with my issues.

The only thing I did not do was reach for those 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that are still sitting up above the stove just collecting dust, because I didn't even want that crap.  And then I opened our budget, and I found a way to keep the things I need in my life.

 I have to remember how far I've come, whether it's talking about exercise, food choices, coping with stress, having a hard time conquering an obstacle.  I had a hard time this week at a BodyFlow class.  I did ok it the class, but it was frustrating wanting to be able to accomplish something, realizing how agile everyone else is, and how far you have to go.  I have a very hard time visualizing where I want to be, because I can't actually imagine what it would be like. I have no personal reference.  I see these girls doing freakin air split things, and planks, and pushups, and I can't visualize myself ever doing these things.  It can be quite a desperate feeling to know you top pretty much everyone else in a class by 80 lbs.  But there's only one way to change that, and it's to show up for class, to be the girl that's 80 lbs heavier, and to power through it.

But there's something to be said for a class that's just no accessible, which is why I'm so attracted to the caveman stuff, to what my trainer has been doing with me, to Zumba class, to things I can accomplish.  Because they give me that sense of hope that someday I could actually run a 5 k, a half marathon, do a tough mudder, flip tires like a boss, complete a kickboxing class, play soccer with my kids, go dancing all night and look good doing it.

 I had to make this picture for myself, because I can see how 25 lbs has changed me.  That was in 10 weeks. 10 weeks is nothing.  10 weeks is only 1/4th of a pregnancy.  Half of a semester at school.  5 paychecks.  I have to think about how far I've come in 10 weeks, and how far the next 10 will bring me, and the 10 after that. I can't always think about what I will be able to accomplish someday, but what I have accomplished so far, and what new accomplishments I will make today and tomorrow, and the day after.

This Journey is a marathon (that goes forever), heck it's an IRON MAN, no it's one of those psycho 100 mile races my brother in law runs. It's never ending.  This is not a sprint, and this girl needs to keep up the perseverance and have a little patience, because changes are happening.