Trusting the Process

Scale obsession.  I like to pretend I don't have it, but I do have it.  I like to say things like the numbers on the scale don't matter to me, but they do matter to me.  In this incredibly long process, with this much weight to lose, sometimes it's hard to believe I have changed at all.  I look in the mirror, and I don't see a difference.  I workout so much, but somedays I don't feel any stronger even though that's ridiculous. Logically speaking (Vulcan style), I know I'm stronger.  I get so neurotic about it though, because when I can't see changes in myself, the only thing that I can trust is measurable outcomes.  Things like "how do my clothes fit, how much deeper can I squat, how far can I run, what are my measurements, but most glaringly obvious, and easy to measure is 'HOW MUCH DO I WEIGH?'

 I have this pattern of officially "Weighing in Wednesday", and then not watching my salt AS much Wed/Thurs/Fri, and then maybe I will have a special treat on Sat, like this last saturday I had some bar food at the Kickboxing fight I went to, and then I wake up on Sunday and the scale is up 5-6 lbs from last Wed.

Then EVEN though I know it's just related to salt and water retention, I start to question everything, and get into negative thinking;

• Am I eating the right foods? 
• I took a day off of exercising, is that ok? 
• I didn't exercise as intensely that day, so did I even make any progress?  
• I'm not going to lose weight this week. 
•  I want to get to 50 lbs so bad, and I know my body is going to plateau here.  
• Am I ever going to look anything other than how I look right now?

Then the re-affirmations come.  Because I know better. I take pictures for a reason. I can see the difference. I can feel the difference. I know I can do this.  And the only way to win this fight is to be positive. So I tell myself;

• Yes you are doing good
• It's ok to only do 1/2 an hour of exercise some days
• It's ok to miss one day a week
• You did eat healthy this week, yes you had bar food but you were still only at 2500 calories that day, and that's not going to change anything, etc.
• Dang girl, did you see those pictures?
• Your butt is looking great! 

In training yesterday as my trainer is kicking my ass and sweat is pouring off of me, I said "I'm not going to lose any weight this week, and I'm going to even gain, I know it." He asked why, and I said "I just know it, some weeks women don't lose weight. It's our bodies. I just don't feel like I will. The scale is still up."  And I'm pretty sure he looked at me like I was certifiable, because even if I don't always believe how hard I'm working, other people know it and see it.

Apparently I was certifiable, because I was down another 2.2 lbs, for a total of 48.8 lbs.  Yes, that means I'm 1.2 lbs away from 50, and do you know what the first thing I said to myself was?  "Don't get set on getting there next week, it might take two weeks. You probably won't lose 1.2 lbs in one week here."  Well I might not, but actually, I probably will.  Of course it's ok if I don't get it done this week, but it's also very possible.  It's possible that I could hit 50 lbs, which yes, is just a number, but it's a significant number that I've been looking forward to for a while.  AND if I hit it next week, that would be pretty darn epic.

The point is I need to trust my process.  It's real simple. There's no special gimmic or trick.  Exercise 6-7 days a week, eat clean, occasionally cheat = lose weight and get fit, and stay happy.  And the process is working.